Letters to the Editor

• Sure, "Just be Yourself" if you are lucky enough to know what that is at your tender age, otherwise...

  [Read the article: I'm a new university student. How do I make friends?]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  ...you can get the ball rolling by finding activities you like to do, and go do them. While you are doing them, use your shyness as a gift by staying quiet and mindfully observing what is going on around you. Sure, you can be friendly and all- just keep it to a minimum until you see what is going on around you. Most important- regularly make a quiet space in your head to dispassionately recount and analyze what you have experienced and observed. Play the scenes back in your head, and ask yourself if you liked them or not. That is how you find your authentic self, and it takes a great deal of time and introspection. That will be your job for the next 6 or 7 years- according to normal developmental models.

  I can think of all the times I wish I had done that back in my first few freshman weeks. My background was much like yours- suburban, nerdy, socially awkward. Add to that some personality quirks that made me, frankly, obnoxious to be around, and you have the mix for disaster. I had to learn how "people worked" before I finally learned how to interact with them. Unfortunately, with the exception of a small handful of people, I was well beyond my university days when that started to happen. I have more cringe-inducing memories than I care to admit.

  Which brings me back to the title of this post. Dear readers out there who are trying to help- Please don't forget that most of us are already grown-up. When I was 18, I had only the most rudimentary sense of self. I was still trying to find my way in the world- as are most late adolescents. To the dear LW, bless you for seeking an answer to your most important question. I wish you all the best for a wonderful, happy fulfilling life. Good luck!

  Permalink Friday, September 7, 2007 05:11 AM

• More unsolicited advice from a Reformed Doormat...

  [Read the article: I let my friends stay with me and now they're evicting me!]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  OK- here goes.

  Dear LW- you acted like a doormat, and so what happened to you should come as no great surprise. Take a good look in the mirror, and slowly and deliberately say to your reflection, "You Acted Like a Doormat."

  Then, in the next breath, you can say, "Basta!"

  Look- this is how it is. Life just handed you a very valuable lesson. You have poor boundaries, and you need to do something about it right away. I also think that, from a practical standpoint, the most expedient thing to do is move out. I know that sticks in the craw of many of you, but consider this:

  1. In the eyes of the law, you may, in fact, be a landlord, with all the responsibilities and obligations, thereof. Before you do anything, seek a competent attorney in your area. Unfair? Sure. You mean you never heard of UNFAIR LAWS?

  2. If you choose to dig in your heels and fight, it will get ugly. Stand up for yourself? There are ways to do that without staying in the old apartment. Do you really want to fight to the finish for what could very well turn out to be a pyrrhic victory?

  I don't know how old you are, but it took me until my early 40's to stop being such a goddamn doormat. Cary is right- it does nobody any good to be nice to people who take advantage of you. Bottom feeding scum like your friends are all born with a "sixth sense" for locking onto and zeroing in on people with poor boundaries. That is how they survive, as contemptible as it is. I wouldn't be surprised if this has happened before. You sound like the same kind of "Loser Magnet" I was.

  By the way- compared to my story, which I won't go into here... if the WORST thing that happens to you as a result of your doormat-hood is having to move out of your apartment, then consider yourself lucky. VERY lucky.

  So this is what you need to do:

  1. Move out. Be done with it and put it behind you so you can get on with the other important things you need to do like:

  2. Go COMPLETELY NO-CONTACT with your so-called friends

  3. DO NOT GOSSIP about them- (Readers who suggested doing that are just stupid. BAD ADVICE. The LW will only make himself look bad, and besides, anyone with eyes to see will eventually see the scum for what they are with no help from you)

  4. Buy a copy of Melody Beattie's landmark self-help book, "Co-dependent No More," read it intently, and do what it says.

  5. Educate yourself about Personality Disorders. You are undoubtedly a PD-Magnet. I'd start with Narcissistic PD, and then work your way up to Anti-Social and Borderline PD. (If you have the bad luck to get sucked in by anyone like that, you'll PRAY to be living in tranquility, in your very own refrigerator box under a busy highway overpass.)

  6. Move into a cheaper apartment and use the savings to pay for some therapy.

  7. Lastly, do not be ashamed of having been a Doormat. Doormats are some of the most lovely, kind-hearted and necessary people in society- ONCE they learn to STOP BEING DOORMATS by keeping good boundaries and remembering to take care of themselves FIRST.

  You made a huge mistake. Big deal. I dare say I probably made many more, and many worse, and I didn't wise up until my 40's. The good news is that you can get started now. Please do- the world needs people like you, in whole, healthy shape.

  Good luck!

  Permalink Monday, September 10, 2007 05:21 AM