Letters to the Editor
Brazilian
Published Letters: 19 Editor's Choice: 1
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Another letter for Cary
[Read the article: Porn in theory, porn in practice]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Dear Cary,
like to consider myself a progressive thinker in general, and specifically when it comes to sex. I'm very interested in representations of sexuality in culture, am an attentive reader of gender theories, and have worked in both editorial and writerly capacities with sex as a theme.
I also consider myself open, curious and nonjudgmental in trying new things in practice. So what I'm wondering this morning is why, as a thoughtful and "progressive" person, did I so instinctively feel uncomfortable (and, I don't know, jealous?) when my girlfriend casually mentioned she'd been using a vibrator yesterday? (Mentioned it casually, and then got defensive and dismissive when I told her of my discomfort.)
I know it's common to use vibrators. And I like it, too (though I wouldn't say it's part of my regular routine). But for some reason, I have this primitive and unenlightened hope somewhere in my subconscious that my girlfriend is only turned on by me. Am I deceiving myself by considering myself open-minded? Am I really a Victorian?
Partially, I think, it could be leftover feelings from my last relationship, with a woman who very much liked a specific type of vibrator (huge one), and would use it to spite me when I was too tired (or angry, disheartened, etc.) to have sex. So maybe that's become embedded in my idea of vibrators. But this is a different relationship. I want to be OK with what this new girlfriend wants sexually. I want us to be able to discuss what we like, etc. But I also don't want to have the image of her fantasizing about other men.
Why do I separate vibrators in theory from vibrators in practice? How do I resolve this without making it a taboo topic in our relationship from here on out? Is a "don't ask, don't tell" policy healthy for a relationship?
Victor Victorian
P.S. With some others adjustions, Cary's response could also be rewritten in this way. But, why do I have a feeling that all the prudes here (mostly females)would just tell me to get over it? The problem is most men likes porn (so its bad) and most women likes vibrators (so its good). Vibrators creates false expectations, from a male point of view is the ultimate objectification, it may become adicitive and most of them comes from China (so, they are probably done under coercion). Women, I feel really sorry for all of you who have been molested by vibrators.
P.S.2 Actually, I have absolutely no problems with vibrators. I am secure enough to not fell threatened by them. And I aprecciate women who have the same feeling about porn.
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To anonymous
[Read the article: Porn in theory, porn in practice]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]In response to the anonymous woman:
Well, I can´t speak for all men, but I believe that for most guys, as long as they are really interested in the woman, the real think always trumps the magazines, DVDs and pixels.
Putting in a way that most woman would understand, although most of you would like to have a guy who looked like...(fill with the hollywood star of your preference)and who acted like the caracter...(fill with you prefered romantic comedy movie), most woman knows that, once your are really connected with a guy, it would be just plain stupid to throw the relationship away because we, ordinary guys, simply can't measured up to movies caracters. In real life even the actors themselves can't.
And even if some guys are stupid enough to take porn seriously and to believe that real women should look like pornstars, why would you want to be with such these kind of jerks? So, relax, it's just fantasy and the vast majority of men knows that.
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Great week
[Read the article: Self-fertilizing females to take over the world]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]This has been a great week for the notion that most feminists don´t hate men. The silence over Duke's case in most feminists sites and the half apology in Broadsheet were the main plate. Some of the coments over this post are the deserts. You go, Girls!
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Crazy is as crazy does
[Read the article: I'm almost 21. Should I buy some guns?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]While Americans today try to understand how crazy the gunman is, in the rest of the world people are, once again, trying to understand the american obssession with that second amendment bullshit.
And now, let's the xenophoby festival begin...
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Maybe these women
[Read the article: Should there be an Office on Men's Health?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Who are so envious of men and all our freedoms might ought to look into gender reassignment surgery if they really feel so persecuted because of their vaginas.
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Most likely scenario
[Read the article: Does sex through fraud constitute rape?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Come on, people. This woman's story looks like a bad written porn script. It is way more likely that this accusation is a cover up for her cheating with her boyfriend's brother.
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It would still not be rape
[Read the article: Does sex through fraud constitute rape?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"All rape should be defined as the engagement of sex without the consent of the other person".
Under your definition, it seems to me that there was consent. When did she said no?
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Cary is right
[Read the article: I don't want more kids but my wonderful husband does]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW,
You asked how can you avoid stepping on this land mine. Well, as far as your actions are concerned, the best way is to follow Cary's advice, however unpractical it seems to be to some people here. Otherwise, saving your marriage will be left mostly to your husband's actions. Will he forgive you or not? Well, nobody can answer that question with certainty, probably not even him at this point. Frankly, he probably won´t.
But, if you go through with the abortion, there are some things that you could do to increase the odds that everything will end up right. First of all, never, ever downplay his suffering. Don´t try to argue that this decision was the best for him. Remind yourself each and every day how much you owe to this man (not the baby, but his forgiveness and all the things that he has done to you before) and try to act towards him always keeping this in mind. The next time some big decision comes up in your marriage, try to let him have his way. Maybe some couple therapy would be good for you. You should give it a try.
Best luck for you both.