@ Bgrasso:

That's not so complicated. People either put other issues (Xenophobia, homophobia, etc...) ahead of economic issues or they do not understand their economic standing (They are convinced the tax cuts apply to them as much as to the rich or believe they will soon be rich, as most Americans seem to) or they simply hold the Calvinist view that those that have deserve to have and those who don't have (even themselves) are unchosen or undeserving or whatever.

People can be convinced to do many things against their 'objective' interests. Sometimes we call these people heroes (the guy who jumps on a grenade to save his squadmates) sometimes we call them idiots (The guy who votes for tax cuts that he will never see while complaining about the deficit and inflation and the like.)

Ideally people will vote what they think is right even if it is not in their personal interests. We want the farmer in Iowa to vote against farm subsidies.

But if I knew the woman I would advise her to run as far away as she could. This guy's letter reads as pure narcissism. He's worried she might find out and leave him, rather than guilty about lying to her and sheepishly looking for the best way to let her know the truth. He claims to love her, but he's elaborated on the lie and probably would have maintained it had it not come under this risk. Yes we all try to cast ourselves in the best light when meeting someone new, but outright lying (as opposed to emphasizing the interesting parts of your job and leaving out the coffee getting) is a big red flag. Lying over something random and probably irrelevant like this is an even bigger red flag, because he isn't even lying with a specific goal. He's lying because he thought it made him seem a little more interesting and because he seems detached from the value of truth. Even in his letter he's seeking not the best way to tell her, but the course of action that will be best for him. That's not the way I treat someone I love. Or anyone.

My guess is that this guy has a bunch of growing up to do. Telling his girlfriend the truth is step one. Figuring out why it's wrong to lie to people, even female people, as a matter of course, would be step two. Step three? Horseback riding lessons.

@ Laura BB

Taking horseback riding lessons with a woman is a good way to bond with her and a decent apology gift (If she's at all interested.) It's something that women tend to want to do more than men (TEND. In my somewhat limited experience) You never want to give an apology gift that you'll like more than the person you're apologizing to, but at the same time you don't want to offer to do something you'll hate because that just leads to more friction and strife. You want something you'll both enjoy, that you can bond over, but that she'll like MORE.

Plus learning how to care for the horse, how to brush it down after riding it, put the saddle on properly so it's comfortable etc... teaches a valuable lesson about respecting and caring for another living being. Horses are big and command our respect with their strength, but when properly respected and cared for they reward us with respect and affection.

Step 3 horseback riding lessons. I'm gonna stand by it.

It isn't just that he lied (Though lying is a bad idea for a host of reasons) it's his ATTITUDE towards the lie. It's "Normal" that the lie "became" bigger and deeper over time. Way to take responsibility there, champ.

"I am afraid that she will find out on her own and perhaps break up with me. The chances are somewhat lower that she will find out considering that she does not speak English, but she is also not stupid, and there are any number of ways in which she could figure out that what I told her is not true."

Here we see he'd rather continue the lie, but he's afraid she might find out the truth and be able to make a decision he can't control. Cary is right. Lying is about control. It's about taking away another person's agency and ability to make decisions for herself by controlling the information she gets to make those decisions. If you love somebody you should not want to control them like that. You should want them to be able to make their own decisions, even if those are not the decisions you want for them. The attitude of "I want to control her" is a real problem, and the LW doesn't appear to have moved past it yet. Witness his last paragraph where he says:

"I don't see an upside in hoping that she will not realize the lie and I will get away with it, because if there is a future with this girl, obviously the lie will become even more deep and unmanageable."

Not "I don't see an upside in getting away with the lie because I will feel guilty and I don't want lies in my relationship."

So yes, a lie is not necessarily a relationship ender if everything else is good, but from what limited information we have this guy looks immature and appears not to have learned his lesson. Maybe he's a great guy who made a mistake, and she should forgive him and move on. But great guys who make mistakes usually own up to them and want to repair the damage regardless of its impact on them. There are those (including apparently some who've posted here) who don't believe in treating other people ethically or truthfully. I would strongly advise against making a life with said people.