Letters to the Editor
Sandra M
Published Letters: 577 Editor's Choice: 139
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Giving everything up for love leaves you with...nothing but love
[Read the article: I gave up everything to be with my Russian husband and now I'm unhappy]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]...which you can't live on, really. Love is part of a good life, not a life entire. So of course you're unhappy.
LW, I am in agreement with your evil husband. Main reason - your casually dropped bomb of travelling alone without warning him in advance you are leaving. What???? Marrried people (for that matter, single people in a committed relationship) don't DO this. You didn't tell him because you didn't want to be dissuaded? Might as well say : I didn't tell him because I didn't want to feel bad about putting my need to have fun over his need to feel loved and considered. You don't go into detail so maybe you are doing these things but -- why can't you help him go through the visa process? Sure it's arduous but you aren't really doing much anyway, and wouldn't it be a lot more fun to share your love of travel together than going alone and then facing his justifiable hurt when you get back, that you would do such a thing without even *pretending* to consider his feelings?
You seem to think jetting off somewhere without giving your spouse the courtesy of sharing your itinerary beforehand is some sort of sacred right that has nothing at all to do with how to behave in a committed relationship, and that he is childish for not seeing this. I have to say, your lack of perspective is a little shocking. Do you really think you'd feel the same if the situation were reversed - "Hey, back from my 5 days. I was in Paris. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to tell me you didn't want me to go. I had a great time! Hope you weren't worried!" THere must be something missing from the story here, that you'd present this as something he should just get over, already. Sure, he should be willing for you to travel when he cannot -- but not that way, with you acting like you are an unfettered single girl sipping the nectar of life. You ARE NOT single. You are married. You presumably married him because you not only love but respect him - how then, can you expect to treat him with a total lack of consideration and then be exonerated by your 'need to be alone'? Needing to be alone is fine - but you tell him: "Hey, I need some time to myself. I though I might take the train through the Chunnel for the weekend while you are busy with your paper, do some shopping." From there, you have a discussion - you don't run off and then defend yourself by denigrating his inability to 'just get over it already." And you don't keep doing it again and again. Ten days of unexplained absence in just 2 years of marriage is about, let's see...ten days too many for a reasonable spouse to put up with. What are you thinking?
The other red flag here is your impatience with the fact that he tries constantly to explain himself. People do that when they feel that they aren't being listened to, when they feel deeply misunderstood, when they are locked in a frustraing cycle of trying to get the other person to stop thinking of themselves for a minute and really really *hear* what they are saying. The fact that you recognize he is constantly doing this and that is moves you to boredom and not compassion or at least concern that there is a serious communication breakdown of which you are a part says a lot.
Evil husband actually said it much better than I have: I believe that in a relationship it is important to build the common area first and fence up your private space later, rather than do it in the reverse order.
You weren't ready to be married. You were ready for more of the same kind of fun that led you to fall in love. They aren't the same thing - and that's nothing against marriage, or fun. You havea lot of growing up to do before you are ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone, be he a Russian or not, a Ph.D. math genius or not, traveller or not. From the sound of your letter you simply aren't ready for any compromises. That might be ok of you're single, foot loose and fance free (though family and friends in distress might find your self-absorption, at age 30, off-putting enough to prefer not to rely on you for anything important in their lives)..but it's not a sustainable attitude for a marriage.
Good luck to you.
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Oh stop it - Christmas is as secular as it is Christian
[Read the article: Women shouldn't be stoned, but is that really the point?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Sure, the "christ" in Christmas is based on Christian mythology...but Christmas has been a secular celebration for so long, it's disingenuous to suggeest that the town is showing favoritism to Christians by allowing "Christmas" carols, "Christmas" decorations etc. Christmas cookies are just that - cookies made in celebration of the party season that is known both religiously and secularly as "Christmas."
I am an atheist, but I have no problem with Christas trees and Christmas carols and the like - I feel no threat to my individuality or that the Church is looming monolithically over the state. When interpreting such things, you can't be 100% literal - you have to take into account the traditional popular practices and meanings as well. Christmas has long been a secular tradition in which those who are Christian celebrate the "Christ" part, while those who are not Christian celebrate the spirit of giving and celebration. To suggest this town is giving leeway to Christians over other religions on this basis is missing the point entirely.