Letters to the Editor

• Remember Lily Bart

  [Read the article: My friend went to bed and her husband tried to seduce me]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  Nothing good will come of telling the friend. Her loyalty will be with her husband - even if she believes, in her heart, what the LW is telling her, she will probably give in too the all-too-human urge to protect her own ego and her marriage (or at least, her idea of it) by protecting her husband from the accusations of the LW.

  The friend would have to be extremely mature and able-to-rise-above-it-all to hear something like this and laugh and say "oh geez, that old goat husband of mine. I'm sorry - I'm sure he meant no harm!" and then turn to the husband and say "Hey! no more foot rub offers to attractive female friends while I'm in bed, you turkey!"

  It would be great if we could all be like this - keep a minor uncomfortable situaiton from exploding into a major uncomfortable situation by judging it solely on the basis of what *did* happen instead of what *could* have happened...but most people in this scenario will find themsleves feeling, and responding to, the primitive emotion of jealousy. The reaction of the wife is far more likely to be to defend the intetions of the husband while attacking those of the friend.

  I'm sure the LW doesn't have the particulars wrong - the husband hit on her, and not with a whole lot of finesse, either. So let's be clear, he his The Main Wrongdoer here.

  That being said, hey, LW - whattaya? I mean, come ON. Either speak up or get up and leave - not after the third lame attempt at the seduction - after the FIRST. If someone off limits asks you if you want a foot rub, there ain't much ambiguous about the situation - he's testing the waters. It's pretty simple to make the waters so cold as to be unpalatable even to a polar bear. "Noooo. I can't say that I do want a 'foot rub'. Bob. Not from YOU. But if Daniel Craig or George Clooney stop by let me know- I might take one from one of THEM. Good night, BOB."

  What you don't do is settle down cozily on the couch in a darkened room to watch a movie with him. Regardless of what you think, that seems to tell Bob that you're still interested in his company.

  And what the hell - how on earth does someone pull you down into a laying down position and you not leap up and say "What are you DOING? KNOCK IT OFF. I don't want you to touch me. What part of that don't you understand?"

  He hit on you and you sat there like a college co-ed who can't decide if she wants anything to happen or not. Your deflections were weak and ambiguous and though it's not your fault he felt encouraged to continue, it IS your fault that he did not feel DIScouraged and DIScontinue.

  You let the situation escalate to the point that revealing it will probably threaten the marriage or the friendship. Unless you are prepared to lose the friendship, keep your mouth shut. And next time you seem them, there is no need to avoid him. Wait for the first opportunity you are alone and say "There isn't going to be any repeat of the crap from last time, is there? Bob?"

  If the LW had enough of a sense of self and humor, I'd suggest defusing the situation at your next visit with humor and say to the wife, with the hubby present, "Hey, it's too early for bed. What do you say we do like last time and have Bob give us foot rubs while we watch a movie? It will be like 'spa night'. We can do each other's toe nails while Bob peels us some grapes." This way the wife knows Bob is into giving her friends footrubs while she's in bed which is really all she needs to know. They can take it up in private later, or not. But I bet Bob's days of hitting on you would be over.

  That's a pretty big 'if', though. As it stands, the question by the LW shouldn't be "should I tell the wife?" but "how can I stop being so timorous, before I get myself into a situation more upsetting or even dangerous?" She's a grown woman and she's too scared to listen to a VOICE MAIL left by the man who clumsily attempted to seduce her?!?. This is a problem - a big one. A huge one, in fact. I think Carey kindly tried to address this in his advice, but the LW needs a much more direct dash of water in the face. Your emotions of horror and avoidance are not doing you service here. If you can't manufacture some spine and stick up for yourself, you need to talk to someone who can help you learn to do so. There is a certain kind of guy out there very adept at sniffing out women who give non-responses like yours and pouncing. Sexual coercion or worse is in your future if you don't learn to say no in a way that says 'absolutely not' and then follow up with *leaving* (the vicinity, and no room for doubt), vs. saying no in a way that seems to suggest 'well, I dunno, maybe, I mean, I'm just not sure' and then staying to see what happens does next.

  Your personal embarrassment and sense of guilt/shame at uninvited/unwanted situations suggests a deeper issue. Communicating by not communicating and hoping they 'get the message' is magical thinking. Hoping it just stops and goes away is tantamount to closing your eyes and feeling safe because you can no longer see the problem. You are going to need more than this to protect yourself in the future, when the guy in question isn't a guiltily horny and easily put off errant husband. Please take this seriously.

  Permalink Wednesday, January 10, 2007 09:02 PM