Letters to the Editor
Sandra M
Published Letters: 578 Editor's Choice: 139
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When you married your husband he became your family
[Read the article: I want to carry a child for my sister]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]You must put his feelings ahead of your sisters need for a child, and your desire to be a surrogate birth mother to this child.
It's simple - you have a familiy. Your husband, your children. You must put them first. If your husband is dead set against it, it is not your right to simply ignore him and go do something because you feel compelled. You put your own personal and emotional welfare at risk, and by going against his stated wishes, you put his emotional welfare at risk too. Also - you put your own famlly at risk, given the very real possible complications of pregnancy and childbirth. You could have an ectopic pregnancy; the baby could pass the amnio tests and then display profound issues at birth or even a year beyond. Now you are tied to these problems - financially, emotionally, and psychologically - for the rest of your life, in ways that are much different than if your sister were the birth mother of a compromised niece or nephew. While you may be willing to make this kind of sacrifice for your sister, it is unfair for you to unilaterally demand your family be willing to make this potential sacrifice as well.
Your only recourse is to convince your husband otherwise. Go to a couples therapist if you must. Talk it through. But your decision in this must be joint, so don't go if you're not willing to lose - you have to be willing to accept that, if you can't convince him, then you have no choice but to try to understand his 'side' and desist from your compulsion.
BTW - a compulsion is rarely a good thing. Maybe you simply chose improper terminology by which to describe your feelings on the subject. But if compulsion was indeed a considered choice - well, the point of identifying our compulsions is to devise ways of not acting on them. Perhaps you need to explore/understand the roots of this compulsion better; if you do so, your husband may soften his stance, seeing that you are acting on the solid ground of reasoning and understanding. Alternatiavely, you may find yourself agreeing with him, that this isn't such a good idea after all.
Leave your sister's needs out of this discussion. If you do decide to offer to be a surrogate, she is simply the recipient of a gift. If you decide against it, nothing has been taken away from her.
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Stop overthinking it and deal with the world as it is, and not as you wish it to be.
[Read the article: Is it dangerous for a woman to wear party clothes on a bus at night?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Does a woman in a tight-fitting tank top and low slung jeans and high heels and make-up and dangly earrings invite attack when she rides on the bus? Well, it depends who is riding on the bus with her. If it's a Ladie's Sodality meeeting, probably no (though I suppose a verbal attack is a potential issue). If it's a bunch of young guys - maybe. Then again, maybe not. Depends on the guys, how they were raised, how drunk they are, lots of unknowable factors. The key here is, unknowable factors.
If you dress provocatively don't be suprirsed when you provoke a reaction, and understand that you are not in control of that reaction, and that reaction may or may not fall within your understanding of what is fair, right, appropriate, etc.
You have a choice - there is always a choice. Choose you clothing, choose your mode of transport, choose your companions, weigh all choices at once and come up with a different choice than if you only had to consider one at a time.
What is it with women wanting to dress to attract attention and then resenting when the attention isn't to their liking? That's like a guy going to a job interviw with McKinsey dressed in prision orange jumpsuit and homemade tattoos all over his face and body an resenting that they find him thuggish and intimidating and are uncomfortable being around him. Clothing, jewelry, body art, hair style - each sends a signal, and each signal has a potential to be taken as intended, or misinterpreted. It's up to us, we individuals, to assess each situaiton for risks associated with these intended and unintended signals, and then act accordingly.
Of course it's not a woman's 'fault' for being attacked if she's wearing a skimpy outift. It's possible - in some situations probable - that she'd be attacked regardless of what she is wearing, if that's what the attacker(s) are looking for. Even the Islamic burqua isn't a fail safe measure for protecting against personal violence. The question isn't, did she 'deserve' it (no) or is it fair (also no) but, is it reasonable to take maximum precautions to protect oneself in situations where personal safety and security cannot be taken as givens. That answer sems fairly obvious to me, whatever your race, gender, or culture.