Letters to the Editor
Sandra M
Published Letters: 579 Editor's Choice: 139
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Men more cruel, or more discerning?
[Read the article: Are men crueler than women?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]It's pretty specious to say the study findings "support all the unpleasant gender stereotypes that really aren't much in need of reinforcement". Come on - another interpretation vs. the 'guys are just meaner' - maybe men are just smarter about who they expend their emotional energy on - they feel empathy for those who don't deserve to be punished, and no empathy for those who get what's coming to them. And if you follow this behavior to its logical conclusion, then this attiude makes sure there is a fair and just world for all - men AND women. Or, conversely, we can say from this study that women are less judicious, less able to make a distinction between right and wrong, and too squeamish to see that good prevails over evil, preferring instead to let the bad guys get treated just like the good guys so that everyone can feel good and we don't have to deal with any icky consequences.
I am a feminist, and an ardent one - but I won't stand by and let specious reasoning be presented as representative of my thoughts.
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The boyfriend should not have burdened his host with the necessitiy of repaying the theft
[Read the article: Our host reimbursed us for a theft in his house]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I agree with Cary, though I think Cary was too easy on the boy in question - he should have looked after his money better. Would he just leave a wallet packed with money on a hotel room floor? Of course not. It was terribly naive of him to assume that his cash would be safe in a house he was not familiar with - the host, I gather, is not a long-standing personal friend of his, nor is he familiar with the customs of the country. Travelling requires extra caution, a lesson many of us learn the hard way.
Cary is right - it is the guest's duty not to be a burden when hospitality is being freely and generously offered. Too bad the boy was so naive and paid such a high price for it - but for heaven's sake, if he can't afford to lose $1000 in cash, why on earth was he carrying such a sum and leaving it laying around in such an irresponsible manner? His behavior did not reflect the importance of the cash - in fact, his carelessness communicated the opposite - talk about a disposable attitude about money.
Every misfortune cannot be blamed on someone else, as much as we litigious Americans would like this to be so. Life is full of unfairness and adversity. This boy placed himself squarely in the situation he found himself in; it was his responsibility to accept his contributory behavior, learn from the experience, and move on. (and even if he was mugged in the street at gunpoint, it would still be his responsibility to deal with the unfairness of the situation gracefully, not others around him make up for the loss). By allowing the host, and then the father, to take responsibility, the boy's behavior belies the inescapable truth that what happens to us, which is often not in our control (and is frequently unfair) is not nearly as important as the attitude we adopt in response -- something always in our control.
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Maybe he can do one other thing...
[Read the article: My family treats my dad like dirt]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]...in addition to Cary's wise and compassionate advice. And that is, sit down with dad on the porch with his own cup of coffee and tell his dad he loves him, has grown into some understanding of all he's been through, and forgives him whatever needs forgiven, and hopes the father will forgive himself too -- regardless of the judgements of the rest of the family. The son can tell his dad he'd like him to have a little hard-won peace and contentment in his later years...and then suggest that the AA meetings might be a way to get these things.
This way, if the father refuses to do the AA thing - or if the rest of that poisonous family finds out and bullies, humiliates or otherwise prevents him from following this course - he will at least have had this small preserver thrown to him, something he can cling to while buffeted by the sea of hostility he finds himself in, or, less dramatically, it will be a small pleasant moment to remember over with his endless cigarettes and cofee, guilt and loneliness. Sometimes a little compassion, a bit of specifically stated love, can go a long long way to making things, if not right, then a bit more bearable bearable.
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Maybe he can do one other thing...
[Read the article: My family treats my dad like dirt]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]...in addition to Cary's wise and compassionate advice. And that is, sit down with dad on the porch with his own cup of coffee and tell his dad he loves him, has grown into some understanding of all he's been through, and forgives him whatever needs forgiven, and hopes the father will forgive himself too -- regardless of the judgements of the rest of the family. The son can tell his dad he'd like him to have a little hard-won peace and contentment in his later years...and then suggest that the AA meetings might be a way to get these things.
This way, if the father refuses to do the AA thing - or if the rest of that poisonous family finds out and bullies, humiliates or otherwise prevents him from following this course - he will at least have had this small preserver thrown to him, something he can cling to while buffeted by the sea of hostility he finds himself in, or, less dramatically, it will be a small pleasant moment to remember over with his endless cigarettes and cofee, guilt and loneliness. Sometimes a little compassion, a bit of specifically stated love, can go a long long way to making things, if not right, then a bit more bearable.