heh heh

I can relate to the LW's problem. I was married for 18 years. My husband just wasn't into sex like I was. Max we had it once a week, and eventually it petered (ha ha) out to once per 4-8 weeks. And when we did do it, it last ten minutes tops. Kinky meant me getting on top.

And finally one day I Had Enough. I loved him, he was and is the best person I know. But I need sex to feel emotionally, physically even spirtually connected to my partner. He wasn't interested in changing the status quo, and we divorced. It was sad and I miss him very much sometimes -- but I moved on and am now in a passionate relationship that meets ALL of my needs, including my preferene to talk dirty, get spanke and occasionally screw while stoned. We've have sex 5-6 times per week on average for the past 3 years and if anything it is gaining, not losing, in intensity.

I know this advice has already been given but I'll reiterate: LW, you must decide how important sex is in being/staying connected to your man. If doing it the beige way will stifle your ability to feel known by him, then you tell him that you fear his inability to even consider kinking things up a bit might be a deal breaker for you. That you aren't willing to go the rest of your life feeling unfulfilled sexually and that you love and respect him too much to have an affair.

I sure wish I'd had this conversation with my ex. Not because it would have changed him - it wouldn't have - but because I did end up having an affair. At the time I rationalized it, but of course it was disovered and many people were hurt, and I can't unknow the fact that I chose to deliberately live outside the boundaries of my own moral code, and I wish I hadn't. I found out there *is* something worse than frustration and being unfulfilled - and that's shame and regret. You can spare yourself and him a lot of pain by having the talk now. Who knows, maybe he'll loosen up.

Stop trying to cultivate her friendship because you don't like not being liked. She has sensed your insecurity and is preying on it. There is no reason her unfounded poor opinion of you should hurt you. Does her not knowing about your accomplishments lessen them anyway? No.

She is fucking with you and you are letting her get away with it. It is time to start fucking with her. Whenever she makes a jab, look at her wide-eyed and say, with an exaggerated grin and gasp: "Woo hoo! Are you fucking with me? Oh my God, you're fucking with me, aren't you?" Then turn to anyone around and say, with a big grin, "You gotta watch out for this one!"

Just have the exact same response no matter what the put down is. Never lose the smile. Never lose the happy tone that says "I'm fucking with you, too, bitch."

This puts her in an untenable position. If she tries to get others to agree with her that you are defensive or acting strange, it will forcibly highlight her own execreble behavior. She'll stop. And if she doesn't, you'll have a good time needling her.

There was a woman who did this to me. Every time she did it to me I made 'fangs' with my forefinger and middle finger and waggled them at her, hissing. "Cobra! Phhht! Phhhhht! You're a cobra!" And laugh and laugh. Everyone around me would laugh too, giving her the choice to laugh along or be laughed at. She got really bitter and stopped hanging around the group, after which everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Apparently I wasn't the only one that viewed her as a toxic little cloud over our gatherings.

And do NOT carpool. Are you insane? Have your boyfriend there when you chirpily tell her "Oh, say, x, we're not going to be able to carpool. It's a special anniversary for us and we want to use the drive time to deepen our connection, don't we snuggle bottoms." Smile. "You understand." Make sure you use that "I'm fucking with you, ha ha ha!" No matter what her response is, laugh as if you think she's being funny.