Letters to the Editor
Sandra M
Published Letters: 578 Editor's Choice: 139
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Get Over Yourself
[Read the article: My mother sends me useless junk for Christmas]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Geez - toss the gifts, or shove them in a closet, or regift them. Your mother is probably not going to change, but if it's really important to you that you get a really good gift from her, then tell her, right to her face "I'dl like any book written by Paul Auster. Do you know how to use Amazon.com? Here, let me show you. Barnes and Noble is nice, too."
People who bitch about their gifts amaze me. So what if they aren't appropriate - it's no skin off the LW's nose to receive something she doesn't want. What she is really complaining about is that her mother isn't making the LW the center of her universe, paying attention to all of her darling daughter's glorious subtelty, various fascinating interests and cute little idiosyncracies. Why oh why can't mom read the glossy magazines that direct her how to to show LW true appreciation in the form of a more 'appropriate' anonymous gift - Starbucks card, Godiva truffles, darling stationery from that cute little shop on the corner.
I'll be a million bucks the LW doesn't take her mom out to a Saturday lunch, a Wednesday movie or a weekend trip to Cancun. She doesn't call her regularly, confide her dating woes or job angst, or involve her mom in her life in any substantive way - she is clearly annoyed and exasperated by her, as well as standing in obvious judgement of her with little or no compassion. But she expects a thoughtful gift! Imagine!
Accept the gift, smile and say thank you. Rise above it and give your mom something she'll like and appreciate. And forget about it for another year.
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She doesn't sound *emotionally* independent
[Read the article: Dividing the man from his mother]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Ms. Waldman claims that MIL jealousy would be easier to understand if she and her MIL defined themselves through the satus of the men in their lives and the attention those men pay to them...but then hastens to say well, me and my MIL aren't like that, we pride ourselves on our independence and careers.
Priding oneself on something is not guarantee that one is actually in possession of that something. Ms. Waldman is confusing the ability to support herself economically with independence - but as shedemstrates over and over in this and other articles, she is not in fact the strong and independent woman she purports herself to be. Her JT Leroy article is a good case in point - external validation is so important to her that it doesn't matter if the source is a lying, neurotic, narcissist: he needs me! he likes me!
Ms. Waldman's past jealousy over of her MIL, and the jealousy she is already nurturing for her future daugher-in-law, indicate that she is not at all emotionally independent. She needs to be first in the hearts of the men around her. She needs this demonstrated to her by seeing them choose her in ways that not only assert her superiority, but also confirm the inferiority of the 'other' woman. It's a sad, anxious way to go through life, and wholly unnecessary.
Personally it seems to me the jealousy Ms. Waldman describes has less to do with being primary in the husband's life than a rebellion against aging and being forced to bow to the inevitability that she will become more or less sexually invisible to the world of men right about the time her son is picking out a nubile young bride.
As for me, I just don't get the catty jealousy so many women feel for their MILs...but not their FILs. It's so *weird* -- you aren't competing with your husband's mom just because you're a woman. Being a woman isn't the main thing that defines you in your husband's life - it's a necessary but not sufficient condition for the love of a heterosexual man. By the same token, the importance of being a mother isn't simply/only grounded in your gender. For heaven's sake- all women are not competition just because they are *women*. When oh when will women start looking at one another as people instead of sexual rivals? Have a little confidence in your inherent lovability, Ms. Waldman. I'm sure your husband, the delectable Mr. Chabon, has no problem in this area -- something not solely attributable to mother love, I guarantee. Take a page from his book.
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Stop with the handy anti-femme polemics
[Read the article: Baby Brangelina!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"The media lesson we're all being fed [is that] ... 'You may land a hot husband, ladies, but you'd better pop one out soon, or you won't keep him.'"
Does any woman really believe this? Really? How pathetic and sad.
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Men more cruel, or more discerning?
[Read the article: Are men crueler than women?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]It's pretty specious to say the study findings "support all the unpleasant gender stereotypes that really aren't much in need of reinforcement". Come on - another interpretation vs. the 'guys are just meaner' - maybe men are just smarter about who they expend their emotional energy on - they feel empathy for those who don't deserve to be punished, and no empathy for those who get what's coming to them. And if you follow this behavior to its logical conclusion, then this attiude makes sure there is a fair and just world for all - men AND women. Or, conversely, we can say from this study that women are less judicious, less able to make a distinction between right and wrong, and too squeamish to see that good prevails over evil, preferring instead to let the bad guys get treated just like the good guys so that everyone can feel good and we don't have to deal with any icky consequences.
I am a feminist, and an ardent one - but I won't stand by and let specious reasoning be presented as representative of my thoughts.