Letters to the Editor
Sandra M
Published Letters: 577 Editor's Choice: 139
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Why on earth do little girls need *highlights* ??
[Read the article: Girls will be 30-year-old women]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]All this does is plant the notion, at an early age, that how she is born isn't good enough and should be 'improved' in order to look more beautiful - something easily accomplished by slapping down money to pretend to be something she's not (for example more blonde, more sun-kissed, less gray) for the benefit of the approval of others.
It IS harmful to inculcate young girls and tweens in the culture of vanity at an early age. They assimilate the idea their faces, bodies and hair are merely canvases for products that 'improve' their desirability. The focus on fixing 'flaws' will be bred in them so early it is bound to be a de facto priority for the rest of their lives. They'll be the first high maintenance generation that doesn't even know it's high maintenance because they've been performing beauty rituals since kindergarten. Encouraging the spa-ification of children will simply inculcate them that extreme self-absorption is both good and necessary.
If men were encouraging their young sons to lift weights (never too young for a six pack!), wear cologne and gold necklaces the nation would go ballistic - we'd jail parents before allowing them to ruin their sons by sexualizing them and forcing them far too early onto the road of a vain, anxious, self-absorbed adulthood.
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Perhaps she should have seen it coming
[Read the article: My boyfriend dumped me and I'm desolate]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I don't want to sound unsympathetic to heartbreak, but it seems to me, LW, that you continue to minimize what was wrong with your relationship even after discovering that it was NOT a problem that was minimal, but, in fact, maximal.
A lack of sex is not like a lack of milk in the morning - something mildly annoying you can go without until someone finds time to run to the store. Sex is not merely a recreational past time, another item on the entertainment menu to be passed over in favor of Depserate Housewives, girl's night out, general crankiness etc.
If the relationship is like a third entity that two lovers nurture, then sex is the heart of that entity. Love is the soul. The heart feeds the soul, not the other way around. We can't live on the idea of love without the expression of it. And sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, cuddling, talking, and all of the other pleasantries experienced by a couple are not so binding, so self-revealing, so connecting emotionally, physically and spiritually as sexual love. It's the one thing we reserve for only one another. It is the tie that binds.
How can a romantic relationship thrive when it's moved to a platonic level only slightly more intimate than roommates or brother/sister? In the absence of sexual love you can build a cozy domesticity but for some people this is simply not enough. It sounds to me like your boyfriend tried to tell you this. Then he waited to see if you would change, or if he would. And when that didn't happen he wisely concluded it couldn't be forced. It doesn't sound to me like he dropped a bomb so much as detonated one that had been ticking loudly for awhile. You became so accustomed to the sound of the ticking in the background, you failed to heed it's meaning/warning.
It can be terribly demoralizing to be with a partner who doesn't want to make love to you. In the face of such constant rejection, you numb yourself. Holding hands doesn't make up for it. Going to the movies or laughing and cuddling on the couch doesn't make up for it. It's soul destroying to be with someone who seems to want nothing more from you than the surface stuff, who will get close but not *too* close, who will share themselves only so much, who don't really want to see you as you really are, naked, vulnerable, open to connection.
I wouldn't beat yourself up about it but nor should you be telling yourself you deserve better - i.e. nor should you be beating *him* up over this. If you aren't moved to express your love for him with sexual passion, you aren't. It can't be forced. You're better off not feeling you are constantly letting him down, or, worse, 'doing him a favor' by acquiescing. And he's better off finding a partner who expresses love in the same way he wishes to both express and receive it.
You should continue with your therapist and see if you can get to the bottom of your low libido. See if you can figure out why sex and passion are something you've devalued as a central part of a loving relationship.
Or, ensure the next relationship you have is with someone who has a similarly low sex drive.