Letters to the Editor
Sandra M
Published Letters: 578 Editor's Choice: 139
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There is no friendship possible here; be there as her lover or disappear
[Read the article: Should I stick with my girlfriend through her cancer?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]It will make it easier for her to set her expectations for support, care, love, and understanding without causing unnecessary heartache, anger and anxiety.
Awhile back I got a diagnosis of cancer. My boyfriend of 3 years and I were broken up - I did the breaking 3 months before the diagnosis. However, it was an ambivalent break up- after a few weeks I admitted I'd made a mistake and asked for another chance. He refused. He said he needed to think things over. Understandable. Through it all we kept sleeping together, he kept saying he looked forward to the day we would be back together, he said I was the one true love of his life. And when I was diagnosed he disappeared like smoke, and started a new relationship with a woman 20 years his junior.
Nothing can describe the pain, frustration and unhappiness of being 'on hold' while dealing with my cancer. I was deeply afraid and unwilling to accept the evidence before me that my boyfriend was not only not going to rescue me, but wasn't even going to give me a ride to the hospital or hold my hand during radiation treatment.
Eventually I reovered from the cancer - from the abandonmnet, not so much. I forgive him -you can't make someone support you and help you, no matter how much they love you. You can't expect people to make your burdens their own. You can't require people to step up to the plate when it's a plate even you don't want to sit down to.
You can't make people put anyone ahead of themselves and their own feelings, hard as that can be to accept.
If you leave, it doesn't make you mean or selfish, just human. But just as she can't expect you to stay, nor can you expect her to understand why you don't. So whatever you do, remove ambivalence from the situation. Don't leave her dangling on the hook of expectations. Step up, or step out of the picture. The most you can do - well, that's a long story that only you can write. But the least you can do is make it easy for her to see where she stands, and don't let your relationship become a second cancer.
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Women are needlessly insecure about their actual abilities
[Read the article: What else we're reading]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]That's the real conclusion of the article. Broadsheet, no need to claim that the Fox News story is victimizing women. Tthere is nothing at all in the article that implies, as your squib does, that the authors are concluding women are too dumb to point and click.
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Since when is 'very smart' insulting?
[Read the article: Melinda Gates -- "very smart"]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Melinda Gates probably *is* very smart - if she weren't, I doubt Mr. Gates would have married her. But being smart, and being married to Bill, don't make Melinda the equal of Bill in terms of accomplishment, capability or accountability. Bill Gates founded the most powerful software empire in the world. He nursed it from step one to the current colossus it is. Melinda worked for Bill. And though she was doubtless quite competent in geneal, it is worth noting that she was the decision-maker behind the disastrous "Bob" software initiative. Clearly, her accomplishments do *not* stack up to those of her more illustrious spouse. This is just a fact, not a sexist slant on her story, such as it is.
I find it amusing, in this case, that Ms. Goldstein trots out Melinda's academic bona fides. Bill, after all, founded his empire without benefit of college degree. Just as his lack of college degree (clearly!) does not mean he is less capable than his degreed peers, neither does Ms. Gates' possession of an MBA prove she is more capable of her undegreed peers - for example, hubby Bill. She is doubtless competent - Microsoft hires few slackers and retains none - but it's worth nothing that
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If Everyone is Happy and Feels Respected, What Is Demeaning About That?
[Read the article: Shamu-mania]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]We all train one another all the time. Ever notice that with some couples, only one seems to answer the phone at home? The one who stays seated each time it rings has 'trained' the other person to get it. Ever notice that some men put dishes away in places unrelated to their 'assigned' spots, 'til the wives, exasperated, say 'oh forget it, I'll do it myself'. More training.
I have a tendency to yell when I am mad. When I do, my partner stops responding to me. It has made me much, much more conscious of yelling, and I make a concerted effort not to - if I don't, we'll never get to discuss the issue. He is training me. That's fine with me. And I've stopped yelling at him for being late all the time - I just leave and go do something else if he's more than 30 minutes late. Guess what - he's not late anymore.
The writer of the Times article never implied her husband is unintelligent, thus causing her to resort to 'tricks' to get him to 'behave'. She is manipulating her own behavior as much as his, in an effort to get a result both of them are happy with. This is a good thing.
We don't think of behavioral conditioning techniques as unfair and manipulative and demeaning when they are practiced on intelligent animals like dogs and dolphins and monkeys. They are simply learning techniques that work, something no individual or relationship can have too much of.