Letters to the Editor

• She Can't Fix or Understand the BIL - Only Herself

  [Read the article: The silent treatment]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  The LW admits: "For reasons unclear to everyone in the family, including my fiancé, his brother stopped speaking to him years ago. For the entire time I've known the family, he has maintained the absolute bare minimum of interaction required for civility's sake with my fiancé and me.

  These are the facts. Now, the LW's projections onto the facts: she hates this man, is consumed with anxiety, insecurity and fear and pure, lightning-hot anger. She wants to show him how despicable and undeserving he is, and ensure he is tormented with jealousy that we're so wonderful and he's not a part of our lives.

  Holy cow. All the BIL is is *silent*. But what a reaction to his silence! Cary gave some good advice on how to just deal with the BIL. But, I think it's a little off the mark - the real issue here is the LW's incredible insecurity. Why is she making such hateful assumptions about *silence*? What on earth is going on with her, that she would have such an emotionally violent resposne to a a blank - or silent as it were - canvas?

  I hate to say it - but she should see a therapist, and understand the source of all this simmering rage and insecurity. Is she afraid of being criticized, judged and abandoned - is that why she has such a totally out-of-proportion reaction to someone who, really, has done her no harm?

  To me one of the most relevant aspects of the story is the fact that the BIL does seem to be keeping a connection alive to his brother, albeit a slim one. He tells him happy birthday. Asks him to be a groomsman. Drives the brother and fiance places. If the LW really wants to understand why the connection remains at such a bare minimum, she should just ask. History suggests she won't get far, but she can at least make an effort along the lines of "You don't seem to enjoy my company. I say that because you never speak to me unless spoken to. Do I have it wrong?" (let the brotehr ask his own questions). If the guy remains quiet, fine. If he communicates through sullenness in answer and manner that there *is* something wrong but wants her to pull it out of him, she can either huff and puff and declare him passive-aggressive, or acknowledge that he is who he is and the only way she is going to get to the bottom of the issue is to engage in said pulling.

  But she needs to understand that the incredibly destructive insecurity and fear she feels is coming from inside herself -- the BIL's silence is merely a catalyst, not the cause.

  I found it interesting that she described, in a follow up posting, her fiance as the 'smaller, weaker' brother, and did this in a tone that suggested this was preferable. Is she afraid of stronger, smarter people? She seems terrified of being judged, willing to accept (with a ton of resentment) anyone else's presumed superiority at face value. She should figure this out. The world is full of inscrutable people - she's not going to navigate it very well if her response is to savage first herself, and then her 'tormentor', on such scant evidence of who they are and what they are really thinking/feeling.

  Permalink Friday, February 17, 2006 10:30 AM

• Why does feminist have to equal humorless?

  [Read the article: Cars for real men]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  Did you see the ads? They were making the guy out to be a dweeb. They were funny. And I'm a NARAL card-carrying feminist.

  Volkswagens are *hardly* stud mobiles. The marketing positioning of the ad is clearly to attract suburban male car buyers who want to feel their otherwise safe choice of a Volkswagen has a slight edge to it. Nothing in the ad suggests that 'all' women are good for is nagging and whining. In fact, this article about the ads does more to support that premise than the ads themselves.

  To the author - lighten up. Pick your battles. Stop looking for insult around every corner and maybe you won't go through life being permanently offended.

  Better yet, go out for a very fast drive with the windows down. It's fun - which is pretty much the real point of these ads.

  Sheesh.

  Permalink Tuesday, February 21, 2006 10:22 AM