Letters to the Editor
kitode
Published Letters: 19 Editor's Choice: 5
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Or any other doctor....
[Read the article: My mother stopped her Paxil and appears to have gone crazy]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]If you can't find the psychiatrist, call her ob/gyn (many daughters go to the same as their mothers, or at least know who she's seeing). Call her GP. Get her to the hospital (you can call 911 and describe her typically violent behavior, so they can come ready to restrain her if they need to). Don't call social services; don't call the police - call 911.
It can be a brain tumor.
It can be a bizarre reaction to paxil withdrawal.
It can be an interaction of hormonal changes (particularly adrenal) with any number of things.
If she never used to be a violent person, it seems far far more likely she's having a medical issue than anything else.
Even if she used to be moody, I would strongly hesitate at the idea this is a behavioral issue and assume -- particularly since she's your mother -- that this is a health problem and treat it as such.
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You're doing *fine*
[Read the article: I've been lying about my drinking. How do I live with the guilt?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Look, I know you know you could've done better, but let me tell you this story a little differently:
* You're committed to your marriage.
* You don't think it's okay to lie to your wife.
* You did the best you could for as long as you could.
* When you backslid, you managed to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try, try again.
You actually have a lot to be proud of in your behavior. You're a human being who makes mistakes, but you're actually doing well in your quest to improve.
So just press on with your program, and as Cary says you'll know what to do and how to do it when it feels like it will be healthy for you to talk to her. If she finds out about it before then, then deal with it *that day*. Doesn't AA say something about one day at a time?
As the Pretenders sing in Message of Love, "We fall but we keep getting up / over and over and over and over and over..."
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You choose friends with self-esteem issues
[Read the article: My friend claims the men I like are all gay]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]One girlfriend is concerned everyone you date's an idiot?
One girlfriend is concerned everyone you date's gay?
People cast out what they dislike in themselves. A woman afraid she's an idiot may be annoyed by everyone she meets who might possibly exhibit whatever qualities she associates with idiocy. A woman afraid everyone you date is gay -- well, who knows exactly where that one is, but I'm going to guess she doesn't feel particularly feminine or secure in her femininity and wants super-macho men around so that she's clear on who's the girl. If the man is elegant and graceful, she may just feel like an ugly klutz.
There's nothing wrong with people with self-esteem problems inherently, and if you can identify them via an intimate conversation maybe you can help them grow, or help them find someone who can.
Be careful to bring it up as an open ended topic such as "is idiocy / gentility so *bad*??" in order to de-demonize the thing your friend is concerned is so unforgivable. And avoid anything resembling the junior high school taunt, "No he's not; You are!"
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Separated = Datable
[Read the article: Dating a married woman? Not me! I held off on principle -- and lost her]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Oh, come on. People separate because living in the same house while you're dating would be inconvenient, and it takes a while to get through to the paperwork.
Some people reconcile; some don't.
LW, if you felt this woman wasn't available - whether it's because she was still married or not - she probably wasn't. She may have seemed "together" and you may have been attracted to her because of that, but it's probably not what she was, just what she appeared. People don't decide that their marriage didn't work out without some combination of massive relief (that the decision's over) and massive disappointment (that this promise and vision they'd had for their life is really not going to happen).
It doesn't matter if you were pretty much prepared for the inevitable in divorce any more than it does when people die. Sure, you just want the suffering to stop, but wouldn't you rather have the person alive and vibrant?
So in order to date a "mature" newly separated woman, you'd better be even more emotionally together than she is. I bet you're not, and I bet the youngster she's dating has a sophistication about moving around singlesville that you lack, but that she feels she now needs. So they're in a relationship where he's the teacher and she's the student.
The good news for you is that they'll probably break up. The bad news is that she'll then look for people more appropriate to her. Whether that's you or not, I have no idea.
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You're looking for the man who refuses to go there
[Read the article: I hate the way I love it when I make you tie me up]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]He's the only one who will feel safe to you. The problem is that by the time you get into a relationship, you've probably already screened those guys out (and there are plenty of them, don't worry about that!)
You need to see a therapist, and while Cary has a poetic way of finding the right one for you, I have a different route, and maybe the best method may be a combination: try to find a cognitive behavioral therapist with experience in sexual abuse. Cognitive therapy is like coaching. Since you know what's going on, and you know the source - it's not like you need analysis of it, you need help to change the images in your head and your thinking patterns.
You're repeating a trauma, and the toughest part is (as it always is) to note that it is a trauma and that you still need help with its healing even though it was so long ago. Which you've done! So far, so good.