Letters to the Editor
noneofmybusiness
Published Letters: 8
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I could have written your letter
[Read the article: Nothing makes any sense anymore. I'm at the end of my rope]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Your story sounds very very familiar.
I used to be the kind of person people talked to. I thrived on it, in a way--the intimacy, the feeling of being of help, of use to others. As long as I can remember, people have found their way to a chair near me for something akin to "therapy hour." I joked that I should hang out a sign like Lucy in the Peanuts comic strip: "The Doctor is IN."
Recently, within the past few months, it has changed. It did happen fairly quickly. I didn't want to hear other people's problems any more. I viewed them with hostility, disdain. Whiners. I've got my own problems. Go away.
I became concerned about this serious lack of sympathy/empathy. I brought this up with a therapist I see occasionally. She said calmly, "It sounds like you have a lot going on, and that you are simply emotionally exhausted." But, she pointed out, the fact that you are concerned about this sudden loss, well, it's a sign that you're okay.
I realized belatedly that some people thrive on their own helplessness, that you can pour all the advice and guidance into them and it will never be enough. They won't take your advice, they won't use any other resources available to them, and they will remain stuck where they are. I finally saw that many individuals I spent time listening to were like this. Sometimes friends are like this. Sometimes family is like this. Sometimes I myself am like this. Endless bitching and no forward movement.
So I wonder, LW, are the people on the other end of the proverbial phone line making forward progress? Are they solving their problems and giving you updates? Somehow I doubt it--I envision them filling your ear with the same complaints over and over.
In general these days a lot is being asked of our compassion: war, senseless murder, poverty... If compassion were a muscle, it would truly have reason to be exhausted. And this is connected back to those who would bend your ear for an hour at a time. How big, really, are their problems in the scale of things? The lower they are on the scale, the less I care.
All of this to say: Don't beat yourself up. Accept this change. I believe we go through phases in life, transformations, risings from ash. Maybe the pendulum will swing back in the other direction eventually. Maybe it won't. When I realized that people will find other ears to fill, I felt a lot better.
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@ know1uknow
[Read the article: The strange case of midnight renegade oleander gentrification camouflage]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I don't know what DurianJoe means by self-directed racism.
I thought your answer rocked.
The only thing I have to add to this conversation, and someone may have already covered it in the numerous previous letters and I missed it, was regarding the elderly in general. I have a 95 year old grandmother, so my observations are based on her. In this society, the elderly lose influence and control. As physical and sometimes mental abilities decline, they are forced to rely more and more on other people. My grandmother, a very independent woman, hates this. She hates that she cannot drive a car, do the work in her yard she once did, go and get her own groceries, etc, etc.
Based on this, my only suggestion to the LW would be: If you offer to help your neighbor, let her be in control of the situation. Let her tell you what she wants. LISTEN TO HER. If she wants you to butt out, you should butt out and consider that you are giving her the gift of being able to control one thing in her world, by virtue of your doing what she asked.
If you cannot resist, you can leave the door open and say, Should you ever change your mind, just please let me know. That way the ball, the control, is in her court.
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Please go to Al-Anon
[Read the article: I let a homeless man move in with me and now I can't get rid of him]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Other people have said it already, I just think it bears repeating:
Once you have taken care of getting the squatter out of your house, please go to Al-Anon. It will help you understand how you got here and how not to be in a situation like this again. It will teach you healthy boundaries, what kind of patterns in your life have set you up to think that this sort of "helping" is a good thing.
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@ KiteFlyer, thank you
[Read the article: Our friend got drunk and went to a hotel room with a bunch of Marines]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]for being the first person to say what I was thinking:
"If she could dial your number, she can dial 911. Besides, what, exactly were you going to do to protect her?"
If Jan feels in danger, she should be dialing 911, asking for help from people who are a lot more prepared and qualified to give it.
As for the rest, 1. tell the boyfriend. If Jan has issues with this, you can explain that since she doesn't appear able to act as an adult, you felt you should step in.
2. Have some kind of intervention, with other mutual friends (and does this girl have any family??), and confront Jan with a clear picture of her own behavior and its effects on those around her. Explain that there are professionals available to help her in many areas, but you are only qualified to be her friend--not her savior, therapist, doctor, police officer or mommy. You may even go so far as to say, My definition of friendship is one in which the parties do not harm each other or expose each other to risk. So until we can reestablish that boundary, I have to step away.
LW, the sooner you kick the rescue habit, the better. Trust me and all the other responders who have been there. You eventually discover all the reasons it is a bad idea and cannot actually be done. You will become (as you are now) exhausted and resentful.
All you can do is point the person in need toward the direction of qualified help, and/or alert the qualified people that this person is in need, and hope something comes of it.