His bad writing is an attempt to communicate with you. The metaphor and majesty in his writing are what the stories say about him personally; the reason you even cared write to Cary, I think is because you want to know him, and whatever majesty and metaphor exists within him. You didn't mention that you felt put upon specifically, but I mean, I would feel put upon. Who wants to read the solipsistic ramblings of an older man?

It also sounds like you're disgusted with him.

Maybe you can strike an agreement to read his bad writing in barter for something you'd rather he be doing (like joining a writer's group). Then you can learn more about him, but not have to read his writing for free... Maybe you can conspire to barter with your brother.

He is becoming an older man. Cary's advice was pretty good if you're less manipulative than all that though.

I wonder whether all the negativity is not somehow turning Cary spitefully nicer. As if to show everyone what a great person he is in the face of their annoyance. But don't get me wrong, I read SYA all the time. I like that niceness: I just find it out of place in this situation.

The right advice is simply to go to the police and explain that you were assaulted (he threatened to kick your ass). Write off the money as cost of doing business, and get this moron out of your neighborhood.

Stupid people always resort to anger or threats of violence when they lose the capacity to reason. (Well, maybe that's true of everyone, but stupid people just get there first.) The letter-writer hates the stereotype next door, and rightly so!

The right advice is: never speak to him again, and tip the police off every time he does something terrible. As much as Cary has a fairy-tale of people working together, he has to understand that some people are just too stupid to reason with.

Be the _Smarter_ man.

It's hard to understand why LW wants to get married in the first place. Does LW want a big party where she is the star? LW seems more cerebral than that. But if its not that, then what's the rationale?

Perhaps those who have experienced divorce can understand why getting married at all is a terrible idea. I could harp on the expense, the feelings of being a dried up empty loser, the fact that your relationship - and the various misdeeds you committed while involved in it become a matter of public record: but I think that the real problem with divorce is the acrimony. You will come to hate this person if you divorce him. Ask some divorced people how much they enjoyed their divorces, if you don't believe me.

How can LW claim to "be engaged to a wonderful, wonderful man" and yet not consider that following life with an unfaithful wife, he will almost certainly become less wonderful: a bitter hardened shell of the person she had hoped to love.

While I agree that a conversation is nice, in principle, I don't think that people in love and engaged to be married are really capable of informed consent. He has told his whole family that you are going to marry him. His mother is excited about the wedding. You're going to give him a choice? You owe it to him - if you love him - to break if off...

LW's "longing for wild fun times countered by my desire for spiritual and intellectual growth, I could go on for pages" is indicative of her lack of emotional maturity. And I mean that judgment free; that's a harsh truth. She is clearly still trying to discover more about herself. LW should consider the possibility that her husband-to-be may be as immature as she, and so willing to make decisions against his own best interests.

There is no curse more painful than an unfaithful wife.

Well I think you're someone who thinks too much. LW should develop interests outside of work to take some sting out of those "slights real and imagined."

I love you Heather.

I think LW does owe his patients full disclosure. Someone who has never been in a relationship may look at a relationship issue from one sympathetic side or another, without really understanding the intricacies of the dynamic. Moreover, how can someone trust a person so desperate with the intimate details of their relationship when that relationship is in stress?

There's a difference between being able to imagine an external and an internal reality.

LW is qualified to counsel individuals, and should leave the dynamics of marriage to those with more experience, or disclose his/her non-relatability problems.

It would have been very simple for Cary to call the LW out on being depressed. However, I appreciate that Cary, in appreciation of the fact that many busy people with real commitments can't afford to be depressed, actually gave the LW some real advice he can really use.

It's so easy to go on and on about "professional help" and "therapy." But those things are not solutions, they are just more of talking about the problem.

Very often, what men need in order to get out of depression is an action plan. Cary gave the letter writer a plan that he could conceivably execute. Cary nailed it.