Well, perhaps Carey didn't focus on your problem as well as he might have, but the letter writers thus far don't seem to want to either! As a 34 year old woman who has spent most of my 30's wrestling with this exact dilemma, I just wanted to present you with my thoughts. I think this is a really hard thing for a woman to decide if she has an ambivalent partner and no precedent for childbearing via experience or culture, in addition to a lifestyle and income she would like to retain. If she has a natural desire to have a child, it can be very muted by these other factors-- or maybe she is just responding to cultural hysteria about not waiting until it's "too late," and truly doesn't want children? It's hard to know yourself on this one, even if you *really* know yourself.

For years I spent time immersing myself in childfree ideology, out of insecurity about the idea of childbearing- that it's ecologically questionable, costly, potentially risky to a sound marriage, sort of uncool, oh boy, I could go on and on. I realized after awhile that I was clinging to these opinions very ferociously and not giving my heart a chance to just sort of say, "do you want this or not?" It always feels safer and more in control to document reasons not to do something that will create a big change in your life-- and there are tons of great reasons for not having kids, and so it's easy to do this. Plus? If you're already happy with your marriage, job, and life, you'll probably continue to be so without kids. So it's tough to come up with good counter-arguments. That's because you can't. Having children or not is basically an irrational decision that you make from your, not to be corny about it, but from your heart. There aren't many good, safe-feeling facts to stack up on the "let's bring a life into the world" side. I know, I tried for years to find them.

Ok, my answer is longer than Carey's here, but my point is this: to know if I wanted children, I had to set aside the fact-based arguments. This is not to say that people who don't have a sound economic or family situation should ignore facts when making this decision, but it sounds to me that despite your past, you are as economically secure as one could hope, and that your marriage is sound. If this is true, try to reassess this decision removing all fear-based facts from the picture. Just imagine life with or without a baby/child/teenager, and yourself and your partner as parents, or not as parents. Which one of these realities gives you more happiness in your mind? Give each scenario equal time. Don't default to money worries or fears just for this one brief exercise. I eventually discovered that thinking this way gave me room to realize that personally, I did want a child. I think if you truly didn't, the exercise would work that way too. It just has to be a decision you make from your heart and not out of insecurity.

You and I both know the benefits and joys of not having children-- there are many. But I have to say that now that I am pregnant, there have been many moments of joy and anticipation and bravery that I have never felt, and I am glad I didn't let insecurity make this choice for me. If you turn out to not want children, let your heart make that decision, not your fear about your finances or lifestyle changing. Because of course, they will either way.

I am sort of hoping the letters section of Carey's column swings back toward advising the LW and not bashing Carey sometime soon... it's getting old, people. So he hawked a book a few posts ago. Get over it. Either that or write a pathetic and obviously fake letter to Carey about an insufferable advice columnist who keeps you up at night with his book-hawkery and fake-letter publishing. Maybe Carey can offer you some advice.

As to whether the letters are fake, this one just sounded too specific and sad to be untrue, other than the clearly ridiculous story told by the husband, which the LW merely recounted (probably to show herself and others what an idiot her husband is), as opposed to swearing by the truth of it.

I think the real question that the LW meant to ask here is not whether she should "keep trying" but how to get the courage up to leave a marriage on which she is financially dependent. Clearly she knows the marriage is otherwise over, and probably just detailed the "feral" exploits of her husband to convince herself how over it is.

I'd say the letter writer needs to deal with her issues around her illness and financial situation, and get a new therapist who can help her build a plan to move toward personal independence. Since the marriage is over, focusing on and taking care of her own problems should be the next move she considers for herself.