I enjoy reading this column, Cary's advice and all the letters that ensue, sometimes even the vitriolic ones. I suppose because I am not around people a lot all day, it is a way of vicariously connecting. I also find it interesting to explore different ways of looking at situations. I think it is a sign of intelligence to ask questions and exercise our brains by trying to see things from various angles - brain flexibility!

When people ask for advice, I don't believe they are necessarily helpless. I think they are showing a trait unique to human beings which is trying to do the right thing, trying to look ahead at what might ensue after deciding to take a certain course. We all know the trouble we can get into if we don't explore options fully before taking a big step. Having a strictly defined notion of right and wrong and having the answer almost before having the question is not necessarily a sign of strength and smarts.

Perhaps if we all tried to ask more questions and do the right thing more often, this world would be a better place. (Don't get me started on the current situation I believe our country is in!)

it seems unanimous that you should choose art and they're probably right. but i think you shouldn't choose art until you somehow know in your heart and soul that its the right thing. or else, go into it with your heart and mind open - there are many kinds of art and many wayys to implement it (as someone before suggested art therapy).

I married a man who lost his Mom when he was about 6. I'm sure he was a bright, sensitive type anyways, but he seemed like he was always running on empty, keeping everything calm and organized, never too excited or passionate about anything - just existing. I thought I could "help" him, but alas, I had issues of my own and I just ended up frustrated and mad and divorcing him. He's chugging along still.

He's an awfully nice guy but I'm sure that if he had taken that scary route to the therapist's office, his life would be better and that he'd feel better about himself.

Sit down with your daughter. Ask her questions and really listen to her. Don't succumb to the manly/fatherly need to advise and steer and edit. Tell her you love her and the reasons why. Laugh at her jokes. Set a good example, don't just tell her what she should be doing. Enjoy your work - don't make it seem like something you have to do until you retire.

Unless your daughter has good self-esteem and a healthy attitude towards work you might really have something to worry about later on. Don't worry now, it will get you nowhere. Just pay atention.

You'll drive yourself nuts trying to anticipate the future. If you leave this girl and begin a relationship with another, she might slip on a banana peel next year.

Planning for the future is one thing: saving money, taking good care of yourself. But we don't know what tomorrow will bring. I think this is especially useful information for when you have kids. You may anticipate going hiking every weekend with them, but they may absolutely detest hiking and prefer gymnastics, perhaps becoming the next olympiad! Stick with the present in some areas - emjoy it, deal with it, pay attention.

Good luck, you have a difficult predicament but you will make the right decision.

With the LW being so far away, I have to agree with some of the other posters, that it is hard to know all the details surrounding the mother's complaints. As men tend to do, when either faced with problems of their own or getting an ear full from the wife, the brother is quietly receding.

I also agree with the Bowen theory of triangles - that people tend to form them. I can't remember it totally, but at this moment in time I am feeling that complaining about things gets you nowhere and is a feeble attempt at making one's self feel better.

People do what they do for their own reasons. I like what Cary said about pressures - we all have them and no one else necessarily knows what they are. I also don't believe that people are intrinsically bad - they are just trying to get by with what they know and feel.

Pushing someone to behave the way you'd like them to is not a great idea. But perhaps rephrasing the "complaint" so that it becomes the problem of the complainer might be a good idea, especially because the problem really does lie in the hands of the complainer anyways. In other words, the mother might say to the son - you haven't brought the kids over, did I do something wrong?, is there a reason why? But be open to what the person might say - be real about whether you are spending all your time cooking when the kids are there.

Family dynamics can get sooooo coomplicated - best to try and keep it simple while you can. Sister, you might air the issue about the vacation plans, but I'd stay far away from the issue between your mother and brother. In fact, I'd tell your mom to figure out how to deal with it (in a nice way of course) and stop bringing you into it, before every phone call with your Mom is about your brother and you begin dreading talking to her.

I think you need tools (Cog. T.) to look at things differently so that you stay out of the rut because a lot of this stuff is in your head. Exercise - try to find something you like to do and work hard at it, eat right. Join the Peace Corps - really. Make a comittment to something big that will do some good, wake you up, get you out of your routine. Why not? Scare yourself a little, get excited about something.