very recently except it was the guy who was really trying to make the relationship happen. We had had a couple of weeks of long phone calls, everything looked excellent ... on paper.

Through it all I was battling a feeling that I just had no desire to nibble on the guy's ear so to speak. I wanted to give it a chance though, and did, with a weekend visit like LW. But it just didn't work for me and I told him a few days later.

It seems possible that's what has happened here. Would be nice if he was up front about it, but frustratingly, that can be difficult for men to do. He may be trying, in his head, to make it work too. He probably wants to be with someone, just like LW, and would like it to work and is tryiing to figure it out, but it sounds unlikely.

Gotta go with your gut and keep it tuned in 24/7, not just to what you want to have happen, but what is. Its not always fun.

I must say that I agree with juneausmog and another writer who are questioning LW's position a bit.

First of all, how did the police end up raiding the house? Because it was messy? Don't they have to have some kind of warrant? Does that mean someone ratted on them? Can they raid the house again without a warrant? And I don't see light users getting their houses raided left and right.

Secondly, I got the feeling reading through the letter that the LW is doing all the work in the relationship. I understand she is smitten with her husband but I don't really understand what he is contributing besides his charisma and disorganization. She may be naturally organized but I wonder if she ever resents his lack of it.

Thirdly, I wonder if the husband might have some form of ADD. Something juneau (I think) said about a friend smoking a little pot to calm down his brain made me think of this.

Fourthly, all of a sudden in the letter, the husband was an addict. Other than getting arrested (which I'm not making light of) the LW didn't seem to indicate that his smoking pot was a huge problem. If she had said he was stoned all the time and not functioning because of it that would be one thing. And at the moment is he smoking it a lot or just every once in a while? Like another writer, I just don't see smoking a little pot every once in a while as a big deal as long as its not interfering with every day life.

I guess what I'm getting to is whether this is really the issue in this marriage? I understand the fear of geting arrested again. Perhaps she should talk to a lawyer and explain the situation. It seems to be that if the husband is a light user and she has no part of it, in fact has tried to get him to quit, that they shouldn't both be dragged off to jail. But I also think she should examine her relationship with her husband for other possible sources of fear and anger.

to the lw, i just want to tell you that i feel for you.

the older my children (and i) get, the more i realize how much is out of my control as a parent, how much i need to try to change within myself as an adult to make my life better, and how much i need to learn to accept what is unique and cannot be changed. i think one can help one's children when one understands the emotional blueprint they are dealing with, but there is no certainty to the outcome.

i think the key thing in raising kids is understanding what they need. we are all here on this planet with our own agenda, our own map and our own set of tools. we can't have expectations for someone else.

if other parents look at your situation and do not know this, i imagine they are going to have trouble somewhere down the line. maybe not, and its not as though i wish it upon them, but it is a kind of wisdom and grace that human beings are capable of, and its what keeps this world from being blown up. as yoko ono said (roughly), we just hope that always at least half the world will have that ability.

hang in there, you are in that 50% and you are trying to make the world a better place. that's enough.

Could you rent a space and convince her to keep all her stuff there and not in the home?

Also, it sounds like you are doing everything - does she work full-time?