"The only problem is that he is not very happy with himself, and I don't know how to make him feel better."

Everyone seems to be focusing on the "episode", but what about this sentence at the beginning of the letter? In re-reading the letter, this stood out because elsewhere she seems to imply that everything is hunky-dory now and was before the episode.

So what does this mean - has he said to her that he is unhappy with himself on an ongoing basis? Or is she making an observation about him and making an assumption about his feelings?

I think this is important because if he is unappy with himself on a daily basis that is a lot dfiferent than being OK all the time but having had a rough spot that he pulled himself out of.

The last time I checked, there are both black and white people born, raised and living in the Caribbean. I don't see anywhere this woman implied she is black unless I am missing something.

I think Cary is just saying that LW needs to decide for herself what she will put up with and what she won't, that certain things are definitely wrong, but she hasn't listed anything like that. We all put up with things for the ones we love. My friends put up wth stuff that I wouldn't. We all have to decide for ourselves ultimately.

There is a lot of information not given here that would be helpful:

Is he working?

Is he helping to pay for expenses?

Is he faithful while requiring the same of her?

Was he faithful to his common-law?

Is he a good Dad?

Does he help around the house/apartment?

If he's just depressed, drinking beers on the sofa and waiting for her to make dinner, I'd feel differently, but she says he meets many of her relationship needs.

I don't know, I agree with Cary. I think she's got to sort this out for herself based on the information we have/don't have.

Wow. I can't believe the number of posters who are obsessed with identifying what church the LW is in. Isn't that kind of irrelevant, kind of?

This teacher is way out of line. It sounds to me like she is flirting. True, if it was a man teaching this way, they'd be painting some kind of letter (P for pervert comes to mind) on his chest. If my children were in this class and I knew about this, they'd be outta there ASAP. Sorry, just not appropriate, kind of gross. There are things I do not want to know about other people, even my friends, much less my 13 year old's teacher. Why do parents pawn off this job to some "volunteer" anyways? Do they think some run of the mill person will do a better job? Scary.

Bottom line: Get her out of there before she starts show and tell with one of her students!

Once again, I feel there are details left out, most importantly, what kind of mother was this mother when the girls were at home? Does she have friends, activities?

It sounds to me like the mom is depressed. Perhaps she is trying to tell you that, in her special way. What does she do if you call her and ask to do something with her - lunch, movie etc. How would she react if you asked her one day, "How are you doing Ma?", or "You seem a bit out of sorts these days, do you want to talk about it?", or "I feel like you're unhappy, maybe you should go see a (professional)?".

I know some people hate the idea of someone "meddling" in their lives, especially older people who may be too proud or from another era where you didn't talk about stuff. Mabe she just needs someone to show they care ... just an idea. That being said, I strongly believe in people being responsible for their own bed and you wouldn't want to get into the situation where she becomes dependent on you for everything.

I hope you figure something out. It would be nice for the granchildren to have a fullu funtioning grandmother in their lives.

I thought Col-(bear) was a french pronunciation since re-(pore) is pronounces the way it is. Any comments on this?

Love him no matter what! Very smart!

Forgive and forget about your parents.

Focus on your son.

Most of all, be sure you do not become your mother. That will take a lot of attention on your part. Be aware of yourself and what your mind and thoughts are doing. Be sure you are working from a "clean" head in all interactions and decisions. Ask yourself wether you are, and if not, walk away until your head is clear.

The only way to break the chain is to not behave that way yourself and teach your son the same. It's all in your head (easier said than done but true!).

an earlier poster said the -bear part refers to a nod to environmentalists or something like that. i had never heard that, is that true?

if you watch the show he pronouces report re-pore so its col-bear re-pore which sounds like a french pronunciation so I thought he's just playing around with words.

monday morning -