I don't know anything about the south but I do know about being an uprooted 12 year old. The question there is "Are you going to be there for your son?". If you move to a decent neighborhood and school system, he will probably be fine. The most important thing is that you are there for him. If your job takes up more time, if you fall in love etc., make sure that he is your number one priority and that you are taking with him, spending time with him and listening to him - and if he doesn't talk much, just sit with him. He needs to know you are there.

but I don't get the big deal is about secrets. It's not that hard and it sounds like you're trying to justify your letting it go by putting the onus on her and HOW she asked you to keep the secret/

People have their own reason for not wanting the issue to become common knowledge, so be respectful of that, its important to them. Just put it away in a corner of your mind a ignore it. Its not about you, its about them, so leave it there and leave it alone.

like you are pretty conscientious and want what's good for the kids, you're thoughtful towards them and don't feel threatened by them vis a vis your husband, if your description of the situation is accurate. It sounds like you don't want to push the kids out, you just need your own space. That's refreshing because many women try to edge the kids out of the picture.

It may be that if you get a little more space for yourself, you can deal better with the kids and might actually enjoy them. The question is, is your husband looking for the rah-rah type, always there, always on. That, in fact, may be hard to find. Women may show up looking that way, but just wait a year or two and their tune changes! Man, have I seen that!

I hope that your husband realizes that you are a good person, in fact, as far as his kids go you might be the best kind of step-mom - one who isn't always around and allows him to develop his relationship with his kids.

Keep trying ... talk with your husband ... don't feel badly about needing your space and time to regroup. As far as being a step-mom goes, you could be a lot worse!

you were brilliant today Cary. Gave me lots to think about. Thanks!

but you sound like a classic enabler.

We are all on journeys. Some last longer than others, or seem to. This will probably be a profound and ongoing journey for you, LW - to find peace with yourself & with your mother. The mother-child relationship is rife with complication and emotion. Some people here seem to believe that it is holier than others and that mothers should be up on some pedestal and not required to behave. I don't know, I'm on the journey myself, but I doubt that mothers should be able to get away with murder! I think that you know deep (really deep) inside what's right and wrong. The journey is about moving towards peace and love, moving away from anger & hate. I don't think that everyone hates their mother. Some people have quite good relationships with them. Your mother is more complicated that most - that is a truth and don't try to tell yourself otherwise. I imagine it means that your feelings toward her will be more complicated than most and that's OK. You sound like a sweet and thoughtful person. I have a lot of respect for your level-headedness. Best wishes to you.

LW, it is very, very hard to be put in between parents and have to make choices or choose sides. As a young person who has not has the benefit of years to learn how to draw lines in the sand and maintain relationships while keeping a healthy emotional distance at the same time (which is very hard to do even for grown-ups), you were put into an impossible situation. I've been there myself and I know how everything gets intertwined with emotion so that it is indeed to see the situation with much perspective. Your letter was very good, but only you know - the posters here don't - ALL the history of who did what, and its possible that as a young one, you saw things through a filter. It sounds to me like you have reasonable thoughts about all this and that you have to tread carefully. As someone said earlier, alcoholics can be very manipulative, but it sounds as though your Dad is not directly abusive or dangerous. I imagine things will unfold and you will do "the right thing" (i.e. what you can live with and feel good about) if you maintain your open mind reasonable mind.

LW, find a quiet time and just sit with yourself. Clear your mind of judgment and just think about the whole event without blame or purpose other than to find some peace. You were neither right nor wrong. It could have been handled in a better way, it could have turned out much worse. Everyone learned something, including you. Don't run away from it, don't try to fix it, just look at it in peace - at some point you will feel a kind of release of it as if it flies up to the sky and you will understand why it had to happen and you will feel better. Let it go, then, and walk on in a wiser mind and body. Really. Your guilt, blame and judgment accomplish nothing.

That's not love. Reminds me of my ex-boyfriend who was an alcoholic. Didn't do it, can't believe I did it, this is why I did it.