I think this falls into the Time will Tell category. You've got your antennas up and I don't blame you. He said a thoughtless thing. Now you need to determine whether it was just a dumb comment, as people can do, or whether he really meant it. You'll just have to keep paying attention and the bottom line is: Do you feel that he's got your back, is he there for you, is he the man YOU want and need? You will get a sense of these things over time. I just broke up with my man for the same reason. The talking about other women, the flirting just outweighed the thoughtfulness tossed my way. Eventually you see the trend and you feel it strongly enough in your heart.

"But that moment is yours. No one can tell you when to reach it."

"Think these things through so you know what you want."

"Addicts are often cunning and manipulative to a degree that we find astonishing once we are out of the blinding cycle itself."

"Relationships with addicts are usually a little skewed, sober or not."

"Take care of yourself. You can't save him. But you can care for yourself."

If Cary knows anything, he knows this. And I have just been learning it the hard way. I feel a bit the way an abused person must feel - I got sucked into a world of its own. I lost perspective. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't. The manipulating & cunning left me constantly in self-doubt. I never thought I would be in a relationship like that, I thought I was immune. But I loved the guy. I put up with more than I ever, ever have. I thought love would fix everything. But I did always have the feeling that I was on the edge of something treacherous & troubling - an all-consuming kind of bad dream. I finally ended it and am reclaiming my life. I've been in a depression and I've had to do more cheerleading, more talking with myself, more shoring up, more buoying than I ever imagined I would be capable of. Continually asking myself "what do I want?" because it is to a degree about me too. It is my life and its not meant to be sucked out of me by someone else. That significant other should add to it, make it better, not make it more challenging. Ultimately I will be a better person but, man, it has been really, really tough.

Keep your antennas up, keep asking what do you want, keep good friends who offer a rational perspective, keep taking care of yourself. Take on day at a time.

Best of luck to you. Remember, you're not alone.

I'm not so sure this is always about self-esteem. I was raised in a fairly puritanical household. Work hard and play a little. Wen I was pregnant with my first child, women told me how hard/how much work it was to labor through childbirth. Well, I believed them! And I almost had that little baby on my living room floor thinking it was gonna get worse! Same thing with marriage/relationships - we constantly from hear that marriage is work. So some of us take that to heart and forget about the "but ..." part where it should also be fun, loving, good for us. Maybe this is self-esteem - I don't know. Just a thought.

on a regular basis is THE most selfish thing you could do. Is that really what you want?

I don't think you ever "get over it" n the sense that "it" is no longer meaningful, painful and significant. Why would you want to? However, an emotionally paralyzing and anxiety-producing memory is not doing you any good. I've seen people who are perfectly willing to bask in someone else's glow but eventually this doesn't work. And based on how this memory has stopped you in your tracks, it sounds like you could be one of those people. You don't need to get over it, but you do need to work on building up a life that is satisfying in some way, building up a way of thinking that is comforting so that you are not being run ragged by memory. And work is definitely the right term Work as though your very breath depended upon it. Work harder than you have ever done. But necessary. Therapy, finding what to read that resonates, change your work, hobbies, interests. But you need to have in mind what your end result will be. What do you want? Work towards that. Good luck to you.

I am finding this theme really interesting right now because of a few people in my life who are "dishonest". They are not stealing stuff, but they are lying about what they do and about who they are.

I agree with writers here who think you really should look into the source of your dishonesty. Is it coming up in other places in your life? Why did you think you were entitled to take something that didn't belong to you? I worry more about repeat offenses for you if you do not explore this issue with a therapist. It seems to me that stealing is just a symptom of something much larger and if you don't work on that, you will continue to have problems in this area. Maybe the other problems you had were related to being dishonest.

There is some work to be done here. That would probably make you feel better - having a plan for a future of truthfulness.

Beautifully written today. Thank you!

& Lamoyne, I hear you