He'lll grow out of it!

Seriously, I think one of the best things we did with our kids was to give them an allowance at an early age. Now that they are teenagers, they have had the experience of having money in their pocket (bank account, under the mattress) and having none when they've spent it. Now they think pretty carefully about spending and definitely like the feeling of having it available. They learned how, once they buy something, the novelty pretty much instantly wears off!

The thing is, the money has to be theirs once you give it to them. You have to let go of it and let them do what they will. Sounds like you are doing this in theory but its still a little hard to relinquish control. I think parents these days have a hard time with the letting go part. Your kid will make mistakes and he will learn from them. He'll be OK. And having compassion for others is probably one of the best "mistakes" he could make!

It's pretty standard in the world of investing that if you're in it for the long haul, there are going to be ups and downs and that you don't look at your statements every month but just have an idea of what the market is doing. When you get closer to retirement, you put your money into safer investments. Of course, you do want to diversify and not have all your eggs in one basket so to speak. Picking individual companies/stocks can be pretty risky at any time unless you have a crystal ball. Different types of funds are less risky but still subject to the vagaries of the market. My money is being managed by a very conservative firm and I have lost a lot (on paper). It has happened before and it will happen again. You are no dummy. This is happening to everyone and your husband would be foolish to be mad at you. You'll be OK. Hang in there. Just bring it up when you're reading the paper some morning.

I'm afraid I don't agree with Cary on this one. I think this guy is pretty clearly telling you that he's checking out. If you followed Cary's advice, you would be making a HUGE assumption about what he is truly feeling inside. And this does have profound implications about the future - will you always have to make assumptions, will you continue to disregard what he is telling you? It sounds like you have a lot of talking to do and you need to press him on what is really going on, and only then make major decisions about what you'll do next based on what he says (or doesn't say - that's equally important).

A little trick I do when I feel like you are feeling is to say to myself, "Would you want to be that person, in total? You can't just have his/her accomplishments/material items/personality - its a package deal- you have to have the whole enchilada." That usually solves the problem for me. And then keep working on being grateful and doing the right thing.

Dear LW,

My tsunami hit in the beginning of 2006 and lasted through 2007, into 2008. I won't go into all the details but it was one thing after another, large and less large. At the same time I was dealing with a rare medical illness, not knowing I had it and thought I was losing my mind. So I believe I was in survival mode until I had surgery and fixed my medical problem, but things kept happening for a while and I kept having anxiety from flashbacks. I started reading Pema like crazy because I desperately needed something to hold onto. She is wonderful - a warm, gentle and rational voice that makes me feel better immediately. When I was ready, I started going to my therapist who advised me to reflect on "What Do I Want?". That really helps too, when you are picking up the pieces. It's easy to get sucked into a whirlpool of bad thoughts. Thinking about what you want (not things like a new car or a piece of chocolate cake obvioulsy!) going forward gets your mind into a more constructive place. I still get anxiety, I still cry and grieve but I have been gradually getting stronger and stronger. It is very important to recognize it for yourself too - you know - "wow, that's great that I just ..." Best wishes to you. It's very hard but it's worth it.

I'm in awe of you today. That was heartbreakingly on target, gorgeously said. Thank you.