This guy would have to be a thoughtful, mature, fair, loving and responsible guy and you would have to love him deeply and unreservedly for you to get into this situation and have a shot at it working out. It sounds like there are all kinds of details still to be worked out and agreed upon and even then, he would have to be the upstanding kind of guy who cares so much about you that you won't be taken advantage of. The thing is that you don't say much about him that makes him sound like a guy who will step up to the plate and do the right thing by you AND by his child.

On the other hand, having a child is a huge responsibility and you sound like you still want to party with your friends. You also need to have the confidence and maturity to be able to clarify your part in all this and make sure that that happens.

Another tack - what are you eating, drinking, putting into your system? If you drink alcohol at night, it can have a rebound effect later on and cause a fierce second wind around 1 in the morning. Too much sugar can be a downer, meat too.

I don't think we look enough at what people are running their own engines on in this country. Eating and drinking the wrong stuff can make you feel like crap!

I have to agree with the other posters who take issue with this LW's attitude and word choice. When a group/movement/speaker displays such rancor and negativism, that becomes all we see. Those aspects become the most relevant. As Pema Chodron says (in so many words), "One instance of anger will undo all and any good that's been done by you."

This LW's use of words (Shrill bitch", chick), her lack of respect and her anger undo the good she is trying to do. The bitterness is all I hear. Does she think that because she is SO MAD that she has a right to talk like that?

It does no good and makes me cringe to hear someone on "our team" stoop to the very methods that she is objecting to.

What a thoughtful and beautifully written response. I have just ended a relationship with a man who seems somewhat similar to the LW. Its turning out to be one of the hardest things I've ever done because I do feel deep down that there lies a beautiful and loving soul. Reading LW's letter and Cary's response makes me feel justified in what I am doing, but there is always that nagging feeling wondering if I can tap into that buried layer and help him shed those outer ones.

That was lovely.

Happy Birthday to you. A day late - sorry, I didn't know!

Thank you for all you do, for stepping up to the plate and living in a thoughtful way, for working so hard to figure that out. (I wish another Virgo I know would do the same!)

I hope your year is filled with blessings.

Kim

My take on this, for those of you who want to discuss "The Answer", is that the answer is very simple. It is the acknowledgement that there are unheard voices, that there are those of us who suffer in silence, sometimes by choice, sometimes not, and sometimes there is no answer but to have another human being say "I hear you", to know that someone will listen, to know that someone is there who will listen. And to all those silent voices and sufferers, even though we don't know you personally, we know your pain, we share your pain, we know your journey. we share your journey, and we hear you and understand.

Would love to hear some other thoughts on this.

A possibly redeeming thing about the BF is that, if we have the whole picture, he hasn't said anything directly hurtful or disrespectful to the LW. True, he hasn't stood up for her and he has defended his more than lame friends, but he hasn't put her down or criticized her.

Sounds to me like the guy is possibly just young and a clueless. It sounds like he is not like his friends but they are his friends so he sticks by them. Sounds like he is in the dark and a lot of guys are frankly, and girls can be too. His inner empathisizer just hasn't been tapped into yet or its been hidden away due to some trauma.

I think there could be some hope but this guy needs to be educated and this LW needs to get her Mom hat on every once in a while. If she wants to keep going with this guy she needs to get very clear about what is OK and not OK. She can stop seeing the friends. She can try teaching the BF about other people's feelings, why certain behavior is wrong, the big picture. Probably some counseling would help her get organized and confidence. Also, she can't wait and let things simmer. She needs to learn to bring things up right away when they happen. Very hard of you're not that type. I know!

The thoughtful, insightful guys get taken early on. But this is stuff we need to learn anyways because at some point things are not going to go our way. If he has basically a good soul, he might be worth it.