I am interested in the vitriol against/towards the daughter, a kind of survival of the fittest mentality. The LW has initiated a divorce and a year and a half later, invited her girlfriend and son to move iin with them. Am I the only one who thinks this is a lot for a (then) 13/14 year old girl to digest?

In the wild, the weak ones get eaten or die. For humans, the weak ones can become a burden on society. So I am always surprised at the "deal with it" mentality, especially towards children. Why is it that we don't blink an eye at the need to teach our children some things, i.e. to read, but expect them to inherently know other things, ie. how to deal with adversity. Take for example the kid who rises up from the ghetto, and who, in spite of amazingly bad experiences, becomes a success. Should we auutomatically expect that any child can do this? Should we just yell at or be angry with the kids who don't? What does that accomplish?

Why can't we expect that we will have to teach all kids something, be it to read or to deal with the bully on the playgground, or how to not be a bully? Why can't we expect to assess which tools our children are born with, be they academic or emotional or psychological, and which tools they aren't born with, and teach them accordingly. A person may have the biggest, fanciest, DE-LUXE toolbox, but if he's missing a certain size hex wrench, nut or bolt, he's going to have a hard time fixing what's broken.

When I was little, my Mom just got mad at me for not playing with complete stangers at the pool. Well, I was very shy and I just didn't know how to approach them, it filled me with fear. My brother was naturally a people person. But he couldn't conjugate French verbs to save his life, whereas that came naturally to me. I am still a bit of a loner, and the only thing my mother's yelling accomplished, was for me to feel anger and shame towards myself. If she had just taught me the steps one takes to approach strangerrs and given me some encouragement, I might have been years ahead in that department.

Something for you survival of the fittest types, and parents and teachers, to think about.

To the LW,

Cary's advice is great, I love it. And you should honor your grief - let it be, let it all come out, every last fraction of an ounce of it, and then you'll feel better and ready to keep on going with your life, such as it is. I know all too well that cherished hope, and how hard it is to nuture it and nurture our life. Keep on going! But don't be afraid to let your guard down and weep from time to time.

What can we do but be ourselves and try to be decent human beings?

I was going to rant and rave about the miserable wretches who try to put you down but you know what, its just not worth it, just not worth it.

she doesn't want to give him the key, she shouldn't.

If he doesn't like the arrangement, he is free to try to change her mind or leave.

I thought that was beautifully written - applicable to all of us because yes, we are all a little bit crazy. It gives us all something to think about - get on with our lives, do what we have to do and think about things less. Thank you Cary!

My aunts were very important to me. Two of them never married (for long anyways) and they were a bit eccentric, of course, but wonderful in their way. They did things with me, like tromping aroound in the swamp catching salamanders, fishing, lunch at The Carlysle, being there, talking etc., that my parents never would. Through the years of school, my marriage, having kids they were someone else to share all that with, someone else to write to and think of at Christmas, to visit. They really added pieces to the puzzle of ME and I think I added to their lives as well. In the end, one of my aunts left me a considerable sum of money when she died for which I am incredibly, unbelievably grateful. As a single mom with three kids, that gesture has made a huge difference in my life. I hope she is up in heaven (or somewhere nice) knowing what good she did, how meaningful her life really was.

- in the immortal words of the Beatles! I think some readers hit the nail on the head that she has first year enthusiasm syndrome. This could be her feeling the weight of the role and the change to her self, or it could be an "identity" for her if she has never felt so fully invested in something before, or a combnation of both (or none of the above). The thing is, you have to respect where her head is at. She's got to come around of her own volition, but I would think little grounding remarks such as "Susie, that's Wendy you're taking about, not "a black female" might just remind her that she has strayed off the path, so to speak, a bit.

In the scheme of things, 36 is really quite young. Having a full-blown crisis over needing reading glasses sounds a bit extreme to me. It doesn't get any easier and it gets a lot harder - getting old is not for the faint of heart. You may be better off without him if every little ache and pain causes all the bells and whistles to blow!