Why do so many parents (people) think they're not whole unless they're in a relationship? Why do they have to jump back into one as soon as they're out of one? Why don't they see that the most important one is right under they're nose - the one with their children?

Parents bring a child into this world and then pack it up like baggage and carry it around. No! Your child is your home and you must do the right thing by caring for it, showing it respect and giving it what it needs (that does not mean a newly decorated room!) - a safe place, rhythm, discipline, love. Is it shy - then it needs to learn how to live with its shyness! Is it angry - then you must learn why and help it address that anger! Is it lacking self-confidence - then you must help it gain it! Sit down and get to know your child - get to know what it needs, get to know what it can give - to you and to the world.

Your child is Job Number One! You made the decision to have it - now deal with it. And in the process, you will learn more about yourself, and gain some self-respect by doing THE RIGHT THING!

Redecorating his room and being nice is just not going to do it. You will have to earn his respect ... over time.

Know when to shut up, know when to stay out of it, know when to be there and listen, know when to not be there. It is more about knowing what NOT to do and knowing how to let the Dad and son have the relationshhip they need to have.

I liked Cary's response - I usually do. I didn't think the girl should be castigated for snooping - she must have felt that you were keeping secrets from her. I've done it myself when I felt that someone I really, really cared for wasn't being honest with me, that things weren't adding up.. In spite of asking questions and trying to get an honest answer, you get pat responses and more mystery. It's hard to realize in that situation that the best thing to do is walk away because you don't really want to.

One thing I hven't seen anyone ask here is: How long were you going to keep up this charade? Two years seems like a pretty long time to me, and now that she's left, she is so important to you. Hmmmm.

In this country, within this group of Christmas-celebrating people, there are few rituals, customs and practices which bring us together. Christmas is the one time that we have the opportunity to let down our puritanical guard in order to give freely and wish and wonder and create and believe and hope.

This is not so much about knowing or not knowing. It is about hope and faith and charity. What your daughter believes in is not Santa Claus, but the magic of the time, the amazing things that can happen, the wondrous season that we people create because we have temporarily suspended anger, selfishness, doubt and hate.

She knows what's going on, but Cary's response is dead on - I absolutely loved it. She is asking permission to continue to believe in everything that makes humankind good and special, and to, if temporarily, forget about all the bad stuff out there.

Cary, happy holidays to you and a wondrous New year. I loved that you chose this letter - it seemed so simple at first glance but if we dig deep we find so much within it and the discussion of it. It has given me much to think about and be thankful for and I hope it spurs you gentle readers to ponder a bit as well.

I have to say that based on the way you (didn't) list the details of this transaction, don't ever enter into this sort of thing again. It sounds very wishy-washy. Maybe its just the way you write but I have no sense of the terms of this deal and that makes it hard to say what should happen next. Cary is dead-on - use it as an opportunity to learn, not to blame anyone.

I don't really see it as the main problem, whether you tell "everyone" about your little house or not. As long as you can afford it and are not cheating your daughter or ex-husband out of anything, why can't you have a little secret.

The problems I see are 1) You say that your daughter is adjusting to the divorce - what about the fact that your a lesbian and only a year and a half after the divorce your girlfriend moves in with you! I'm not making a morality statement, just asking you to be real about what your daughter is going through. 2) Why are you so concerned with what your ex-husband will say and think? Sounds like there is some unfinished business there that you might need to think about and work on.

Your number one duty is your daughter. Not that she rules the roost, but, yes, you have asked her to make some major leaps and staying where you are and taking care of her for a few more years are the right things to do. You brought her into this world.

I would think having a secret little place to go to would be kind of fun. I know you are excited about it, but that's between you and your friend - no on else will be as excited about it as you two are. Sometimes our extreme happiness is just a rub in the face to others - be careful with your happiness.