Site Presented By
Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
farafield
Published Letters: 180 Editor's Choice: 23
I have been both the uprooted child and the divorced mother (of three) - dewy eyed in love and ready to move heaven and earth for a man.
I have spent 30 plus years trying to heal and move on from my mother's actions. We were moved in the middle of the school year quite a distance from our home, away from grandparents who had been a huge part of our daily lives and best friends to a town that was very different. We stopped going to the summer place we had always gone to. Vacations and weekends involved step-sisters and brothers who were not always pleasant. Meanwhile my mother was head over heels and seeing everything through a kind of drug-like fog.
In my current life, fortunately (with hindsight), the relationship with the man did not work out. I am putting my kids first. Though it is hard at times, it feels like the right thing to do and I am happy about that. In a way I am healing myself and I am stronger for my children as a result.
Please, "Should I", if you and R are truly in love, it shouldn't be necessary to rush into anything. Take care of your kids while they are with you. They need you more than you think and adding someone to your household will change the dynamics and your relationship with them. Seven months is not very much time to really get to know someone iinside and out, good days and bad. I know you've been alone and its been hard, but you've come so far - don't throw it away now.
Sounds to me like there is something else going on here ... I think LW might need to focus more on her own life and try to enjoy it more, or honestly look into possible other issues she has with her husband. Its a challenging time when the kids are little but it goes so quickly. As well, the dog will not be around for long. Relax.
I am really surprised how few responses, Cary's included, bring up the subject of children.
In my opinion, if this guy wants to try to work it out with this girl, they need a lot of counseling, they need a plan.
However, they ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN. PERIOD.
I worry about the LW sympathizing/empathisizing too much with her mother. A terrible thing happened to the mother, but it was a long time ago and very sad if the mother is still bitter and broken-hearted. The LW needs to be sure that she has the strength, self-confidence and means to eventually (after a grieving period of course) to move on if something like this ever happened to her. Bad things happen in life.
I like to choose 'mentors' - people I admire who have been through a similar circumstance (whatever it may be at the moment) and seem to have handled it well - as a motivating force or positive example to keep on keeping on when things seem difficult.
I too went through a teenage divorce with one parent abruptly leaving and I believe I have struggled with feelings of emptiness and fear of abandonment etc. At 45 years old I feel better than ever and it does not have to do with having a man in my life. It has to do with shaping my own. Now I feel more capable than ever of having a positive relationship.
Remember, you are loved, but don't forget to love yourself and try to love others without conditions or expectations.
Am I thick or does anyone else not get a good sense of exactly why the husband is 'shutting her down'. Once again I feel as though I am getting only one side of the story (there are always two!).
I think LW needs to understand better why her husband is against this so that she is in a bettter position to discuss it. Is it money, is he worried about who will care for the kids, can he not articulate his position (suggesting an insecurity of some sort)?
Who will take care of the kids, who will pay for school, how will it affect their life as thay now know it?
I can see there might be two valid sides to this but I feel I am missing pieces of the puzzle.
I have learned that what transpires between two people is none of my business unless I am asked by one of them to intervene/contribute.
The father of the LW was stepping out of bounds. Perhaps he doesn't like the boyfriend and didn't mind the opportunity to stick it to him. In any case, the issue was between the BF and the host. If the father had no intention of demanding the BF to pay him back and would not hold it against him for the rest of his life, then perhaps that would make it all right for him to 'contribute'. That would create another 'issue' between the father and the host only for no one else to butt into.
Perhaps the BF repeatedly said "No" to the offer of the money but the host insisted.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Once seen as a lunatic fringe, reactionary anti-women groups are courting respectability
Salon headlines in your mailbox
