especially if it is written by a teenager. Because how many "adults" are writing in about their alcoholic or abusive spouse/boyfriend/friend? And why is it that they got themselves into that situation to begin with? Most likely low self-esteem and thinking that one person is going to make their life better, not paying attention to the fact that one person can ruin your life. Only we can make our lives better.

Now is the time, when you're young, to make a life for yourself, to learn about self-respect, to get yourself on to a good path, not a bad one. If you're unhappy unless you're with someone, something's WRONG and you need to go back to the drawing board, get help, be alone and get your own self to a good place.

I think this is a very important letter.

and it never gets any easier. But you sound like you need to focus on your own life, learning to be at peace and finding things to do that bring you some happiness so that you aren't dependent on some jerk's compliments. Being at peace and content is your job and you can't expect someone else to do that for you. In time you will be attracted to people who genuinely love you and you will realize just how important it is NOT to be with someone who doesn't. No one deserves to be in a bad relationship, but the only person who can keep us out of a bad relationship is ourself.

Dear NYCGRRL,

I know where you're coming from and you are absolutely right. I'm sorry for the bad parts of your past and sincerely hope you have moved on to make a peaceful and content life for yourself. The things people do in the costume of "being an alcoholic" or even just in their allegiance to the bottle while claiming to be caring & thoughtful people can be awful, and yes, entirely selfish. I got myself into one of those spider webs of lies, manipulation, meanness, denial, dishonesty, misplaced blame etc., etc. It is a nasty mess to get disentangled from but I'm glad you have done it.

As Pema Chodron says, one instance of anger erases all the good you have done. Anger is very powerful and it is not forgotten.

You sounds to me like you are still in denial about your behavior. Being in a relationship should mean caring about that person as much if not more than you care about yourself. Caring, not feeling need for or wanting, but seriously caring about their well-being. I don't get the feeling that you really truly understand the hurt and pain that you caused someone who put their faith in you to love them. I'm sure you've done some work but you sound a bit rosy about the whole thing as though with a bit of elbow grease, the whole mess is all cleaned up now and sparkly clean. Whew! This is one of those messes that does not get all cleaned up - ever. If you really love this woman, you will need to be honest - completely honest with the people you are close to, beginning with yourself.

55 isn't really that old in my book and I wouldn't look at the relationship much differently than one with a 30 year old man, though he does have more of a past. I have found friendships with men to difficult - it seems that often one person in the equation wants more eventually. But that may be just my experience. Guys can be wonderful friends. So I suggest that you just pay attention.

Cary, that was lovingly written. Only someone who has seen it can write so movingly and knowingly. And you get both sides - not only the addict's but that of those who bear witness and how truly painful it is.

Could it be the way the people talk about their lives/successes? Could it be they exude happiness or some emotion that you feel you lack and THAT is what is making you uncomfortable? You sound pretty together but I can't tell whether you are happy, and I'm not one to overrate happiness - I try to settle for a kind of peaceful contentedness myself - but even if you have all the trappings, you could still feel a kind of emotional hollow that others seem not to have. Just a thought.

You sure have a range of perspectives here. But you know deep down inside that the only perspective that matters ... is yours. Some women can look the other way while their husbands carry on, and on. Some women just can't. Only you can decide what you can overlook/deal with in order to keep your marriage together.

Two things though,

Be careful of the drugs. They will not solve anything and they will only make your life worse. Think about your kids. You need to be there for them FIRST and FOREMOST, no matter what.

Take care of yourself. I don't mean go to the spa. Build your life into something that stands on its own. Be the person you want to be. Be the rock, and the loving and kind human being who can take a licking and keep on ticking, who can weather the storm, who can keep it together while all is falling apart around you. Find a faith that helps you with this. Find a purpose that supports this. Because life gets messy and you've got to be there for your kids no matter what. You brought them into this world. You keep on taking care of them.

Whether you decide to stay with your husband or whether you decide to leave him, stay above the fray as far as your kids are concerned. Set an example. If you are angry & frustrated, it is between you and him, NOT your kids. Let them decide for themselves.

Good luck, be strong.