No one has equated "chore doing" with "parenting." I assume you refer to parenting specifically has administering hugs and band-aids, story time,values teaching, walks to the park, projects and other direct engagement with the children.

Highly highly doubt that a SAHP's day doesn't ALSO involve a significant amount of tedious but necessary chore-doing aside from that.

Look, if someone else-- a spouse or a trust fund-- is paying your way in the world, permitting you to spend your time as you see fit, either directly engaged with your kids or some combination of "parenting and chores" then you are the recepient of a luxury not available to most.

Only the SAHP has the appalling condescension to suggest to a working parent that other people are "raising" or "parenting" their kids. Give me a break! My kid's caretaker is in agreement with my values. She is a fabulous person. She is entrusted to make minor day to day decisions but my husband and I are the ones raising our kids and making the official calls.

I would love to be a SAHP. It would be exhausting but ultimately a pleasure the same was that mountain hiking and camping is EXHAUSTING BUT A PLEASURE-- if it were me staying home I wouldn't go around trumpeting to the world my defensiveness because staying home from work to be with my kids isn't a "paid profession." As a paid professional, I know it's not the same thing. I don't need to be paid to hang out with my kids. It's what I live for.

You are exactly right- the good weddings may have some distinguishing feature-- a great location, great food, a touching "slide show" of family pictures at the reheasal dinner-- but ultimately whether it is expensive or not, all weddings do ultimately run the same course, if the goal is to make your guests comfortable.

The few truly "odd duck" weddings that I have attended-- a beach house weekend, an unstructured outdoor family farm/picnic, required a lot more physical and emotional stamina than the typical affair, and I could see how they wouldn't work out well if a significant number of guests were small children or elderly guests or disabled.

We designed our own secular ceremony while borrowing elements from Jewish and Catholic traditions, had both parents walk both parties down the aisle, chose poetry and pop music to accompany the ceremony, kept my name, gave my bouquet to my grandmother (it was her 80th birthday) and skipped any tacky references to garters or money dances (but we did do the Hora, the Tarentella and engage in some old world Polish traditions). My grandparents generation was still shocked and delighted by how "different" our ceremony was-- but it was still a paint by numbers affair where you get to pick the colors but the ultimate picture is already pre-determined.

I am envious of you that you at least got to elope before getting on the wedding train. I would love to have eloped, now that all is said and done. It is great that you get to do both, you will have no regrets for not having taken the road less traveled as well as the beaten path.

I feel bad for you, living for 12 years in a hell of your own making.

You aren't attached to the past or even this particular man so much as you are attached to this idea of yourself as the jilted lover.

What is so perfect about this man? For the years you were in the relationship knowing that he planned to abandon you at a certain proscribed time, and your acquiescence, not so much "being an adult about it" as you were taking what small crumbs he has to offer-- for 12 more years you have only "semi-loved" other men while carrying a torch for nothing. Apparently you tried at some point to get him back or tried to swing an invite on his gravy train-- he was not swayed rather appalled by your reaction.

Anyhow, 12 years is so much water under the bridge realize you are not grieving or mourning a loss of something real because he was never yours to lose. He never loved you enough to invite you along on his journey. He was never more than a brief apparation in your life.

You rationalized "letting him go" because you knew he didn't love you enough to stay or invite you. You allowed yourself to see him as a protege and you as a mentor/lover on his path rather than seek out the stellar awesome career yourself.

Mourn what you gave up to live a life in the shadows, career-wise, with no love to show for it.

You might suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder-- I am not really sure, but it seems you are seeking excuses to avoid connecting to anyone on a real level that is not superficial. If this man was never in your orbit, you would have found another excuse to merely "semi-love" the people who did enter your galaxy.

If you don't suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, then you might be helped by reading up on Buddhist philosphy and practice.

Until then, you remain attached-- not to this man, but to the idea of yourself as mourning this man. Something about this playing this role-- maybe the drama, maybe the solitude-- gives you great satisfaction and pleasure that compensates for the pain you are causing yourself (and the others that you have merely "semi-loved").

I think by writing to Cary you are at least seeking out greater self-awareness and understanding, that might lead you to live your life and love others more authentically.

Best to you.