The thing is, this mom is probably thinking, "I've kept him off vaccines, he can't possibly be autistic."

This is a really tough situation. I know of a woman, anti-meds, anti-western medicine, involved in a kind of a religious cult that calls itself christian but isn't really--their leader claims to have traveled astrally through space to speak with God--anyhow, one of her sons had a psychotic break at the age of 19 after dropping some acid. He was forcibly hospitalized in a psych ward. He was NEVER the same person after that hospitalization. Everyone in the family acted like it was the drugs that did it but he grew worse and worse-- more and more distant, catatonic, silent, unable to complete school or to cope with the most basic activities of life. His mother kept him housed and fed and discouraged him from receiving medical care. She said his spirit was taking flight, that he was a mystic.

This went on for years until one very bad night where he started waving a butcher knife at his siblings and threatening suicide so they called 911 against their mother's express wishes. he was finally hospitalized and diagnosed with schizophrenia and put on medication. His mother didn't trust the medications and discouraged him from taking the medications and he started to decline. The family had to intervene WITH HER to convince her to stop discouraging him from taking his meds.

I think he is doing better now but I really don't know. Five years of hand-wringing and powerlessness and denials while the boy declined and declined and declined --- and all this with a mother of a 19-24 year old.

I don't know what you can do with this friend. She is terrified that vaccinations will give her baby autism.

Suggesting that she take her son to be evaluated is probably terrifying to her.

You will have to hook her up with a mother of a child suffering autism who is also as anti-vax/anti-western med/pro-homeschooling as your friend is, but also someone who is pro-early intervention.

I mean at least 50% of the autism community at large is anti-vax and pro-early-intervention. So she will find good company there.

One other option is if you have any acquaintances who are pediatricians, psychologists or specialists, invite them to a bbq where this friend and her family will also attend. After a few hours observation, one of these professionals might gently but bluntly offer their opinion. It will probably greatly offend the friend, but it may be the beginning of a breakthrough for her and a ray of light for the boy.

I know you love him but you are gonna have to back off. He loves you, but he loves her too and he loved her first.

Go live your life and see if he comes after you in a reasonable amount of time, after finally obtaining that divorce, or if he and his wife will reconcile after she survives this cancer scare or cancer diagnosis. Hopefully just a cancer scare-- even though she sounds like a vile human being she deserves good health like everyone else does.

Don't date any more married men. When in doubt, ask to see the divorce decree before any kissyface ensues.

If you want your parents to regard you as adult, I would suggest you give them some PFLAG literature to help them cope through this rough patch and graciously change the subject.

Stop seeking out approval you won't get.

This applies to all decisions you make. This can be whether to be a lesbian activist, or whether to marry outside your religion or race, or whether to take a construction job when you have been groomed your whole life for medical school.

When you stop seeking out your parents' approval, your parents will realize that you are an adult and they will have a choice to either respect you or disown you.

Usually, disowning is a manipulative bluff but some parents will follow through on it. I have an elderly ("greatest generation") uncle who disowned his son for marrying outside his race. He was stubborn enough to stick to his guns and keep up the estrangement for the last 25 years, but he is the sad and pathetic one who lost out on a relationship with his son and grandkids. His son is happily married and has a good life. I don't think there is any question of who has the corner on moral thinking here.

Here is a beautiful verse by Khalil Gibran. Write it in calligraphy, frame it next to a photo of your Mom holding you when you were a baby:

"Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.