Thinking so much about this letter on the commute home last night, I realized that, to my recollection, none of the main female characters in The Color Purple raised her own children.

Celie's were taken from her and raised by missionaries in Africa, and Celie's own sister was their nanny. Shug had children somewhere that she abandoned. Sofia wound up in prison, then let out on parole to raise a rich white woman's kids, while I believe Squeak raised Sofia's kids.

And Celie raised Mister's brats.

I love that book and the film as well but never had the occassion to read Alice Walker's other books. So never picked up on her clear ambivalence to motherhood that is demonstrated in that book, which was published in 1982 right when Rebecca Walker was just 12 years old-- a very transitional age when mother-adolescent daughter conflicts can just start to emerge.

Fascinating. Hope they reconcile. Rebecca Walker is a stunning beauty by the way.

My Mom is not herself a drunk. But she certainly flirts with the idea during her down time, and I wonder what will happen when she finally retires and has a lot of downtime.

So far, doesn't drink while watching my kids, tho, thankfully.

Her own mother, no doubt an alcoholic. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins... who knows how many generations back this goes?

My Mom and her sisters have always had a very dramatic love-hate dynamic going on, but they manage to function and get things done despite the near-constant manufactured drama. My ailing elderly grandparents are now in need of constant care and still have their daughters in their thrall. They were always loving drunks, if a little bit absent minded and bickery. Always loved them even if the extent of our conversations together have always been limited to talk of how good the food tastes or how nice the weather is, then go fetch Grandma another beer.

As an adult I read some books about adult children of alcoholics and had a bit of an epiphany about why my mother is the way she is-- controlling, stressball, very very dutiful and protective and a striving professional achiever. Apparently she is playing a particular role, and her sisters play other roles.

Alcoholism certainly contributed to my mom's and aunt's varied personalities but maybe goes too far to say that it completely defined them? People are more complex than that, I hope.

I can't discuss this issue with my Mother. They all know the concept of Ma is drinking too much-- but to bring the word "alcoholism" into the discussion is a big taboo. I don't know why. Something about admitting to it would be betraying a big family weakness that has to be kept under the rug.

Systemic. Like that word. I have no advice. I think a lot of families have similar experiences.

Sounds like the letter writer loves her kids-- may be in danger of being a contolling stressball parent herself. But she obviously has her kids' best interest in mind.

CHEIF DEPUTY SAID:

"Realize they aren't enjoying it. Since you like it so much, check into the porn world and learn that the women are not enjoying themselves. They have to take drugs to get through it. At first they will claim they love sex and love the industry, but even a little prodding will get them to cry and admit that it is horrible, demeaning, etc. Most are victims of childhood sexual abuse. Think about that for awhile, and maybe you'll stop comparing them to your girlfriend.

I don't think guys that watch porn are bad or that there is anything wrong with them, but if it affects your life and impairs your real-life relationships, then you have a problem. If realizing that the women you are masturbating to have suffered and are suffering doesn't upset you and snap you out of this, you need to break it off with your girlfriend and decide to either continue on your pathetic way or get some help." -- chiefdeputy

THAT BORE REPEATING IN ITS ENTIRETY.

That being said, I agree with the other posters who said it is perfectly normal & healthy to enjoy MBing "more than" real life sex with a real life partner if your goal is to run through your preferred fantasy or visual, use a tried-and-true technique, get the desired result in the desired amount of time, relax and not have to worry about another person's needs. So you opt for visual stimulation as opposed to say, erotic literature? Not a big deal.

Too bad your girlfriend isn't down with this and you are feeling all shameful and guilty about it.

If you aren't attracted to your gf, by all means break up with her kindly. Don't marry her and leave her wondering why her spouse won't have sex with her. That is cruel. Break up, save your money, and head to the Bunny Ranch in Vegas. Blow one year's retirement earnings on the ladies with the great bods who will give you the quid pro quo you are looking for. Use condoms. You may like this lifestyle and live like, say, Bill Maher and Hugh Hefner. No harm done.

But if you love your gf, and are attracted to her in a different way than the fantasy porn girls, then try to see that having sex with her is a DIFFERENT activity than your MBing in your private time. It is, or should be, a reciprocal, mutual event that should have a DIFFERENT set of goals and purposes. During those times, work very hard at learning how to please HER and worry about pleasing yourself later, since you know how to get yourself off better than she does. Don't be selfish. This should assauge some of your guilt. Oh, and read some lesbian erotica (as opposed to girl on girl porn made for male viewers) if you want to learn some real techniques for pleasing a woman.