I am sorry LW that you were traumatized by your pediatrician. That made me gag when I read it. I am angry for you.

I hope and believe in you that if you persist, either through therapy, journaling or other contemplative action, you will eventually be able to move forward.

For what it is worth from a total stranger, I think you shouldn't worry about having sex for the time being?

-- Think about it, you're only 23 and who needs the extra worry about STDs and unintended pregnancy when you could be putting your energy into other projects-- including your emotional and pyschic healing?

If there is a part of you that one day wants to marry and have children, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Don't put additional pressure on yourself forcing the issue with men you may or may not have a strong feeling of future commitment for. I say this as merely as a suggestion for making you life less complicated in the present moment, not to encourage you to embrace a life of celibacy as a way of avoiding ever dealing with having been assaulted in the past.

I agree with you that you do need to deal with the phobia regarding doctors, for your own health and well being.

OB/GYN exams are uncomfortable and unpleasant even if you've never been molested or sexually assaulted. It is just an exam that requires some digging and discomfort even by the most gentle practicioners. I EXCLUSIVELY go to women OB/GYNs on the theory that I don't want any person doing the exam that isn't herself subject to the exam.

(Although, the gentlest person who ever did the exam for me was a male E/R doctor who attended to me during a threatened miscarriage-- which surpised me).

Maybe a therapist can help with this-- maybe the OB/GYN or Nurse Practitioner herself can help with this, if you go to a good practice and set up an appointment just to consult the doctor or nurse practitioner before setting up an additional appointment for an exam. They can bill it to your insurance as a birth control consultation if need be.

Then just talk with the practicioner and say, "I want to have an annual exam for my health but I am petrified of submitting to this because XYZ happened to me at age 123, I am afraid of all doctors because of this one criminal, so what can you do to help me deal with this as a practical matter so I can do what needs to be done without having a panic or stress attack?"

You probably wouldn't be the first patient coming to her with this issue.

Maybe you already tried that. But I think that the person who is your OB/GYN really needs to know the full story.

To my understanding, pediatricians cannot be in the exam room alone with a minor now. Either a parent or nurse must be present. Even in the E/R the male physician had a female nurse on standby.

Good luck to you.

The best thing to do in any relationship is take a person at face value, listen to what they tell you, repeat it back to them to make sure you heard them correctly, then believe what they are saying.

If he is making vomiting sounds at the thought of marriage and kids, that is pretty immature and yet, still, pretty truthful.

If he talks about the distant future possibility of changing his mind-- does that mean when he is 42? If that is how long he is going to wait before he will even consider the possibility, chances are the mother of his children won't be you.

Break up with him kindly. This is a deal breaker. Even if you want to wait four or five more years to have kids yourself, you may need that much time to find the guy who wants to marry you and father your children.

This isn't a "red flag" this is a DEAL BREAKER.

He may then say, wait, I was just kidding, let's get married and make babies.

But don't count on it.

Backpack for a year if you can. Or maybe a month if that is more in your budget. But if you can't, just go home. You're never gonna get this guy to leave LA for you if closer home is where you want to be once you start having babies. (I mean, if you eventually want to).

Get your teaching certificate and teach. Substitute teach for awhile then get your credential in whatever age group you enjoy the most, in whichever endeavor (art, english, etc.) you want (get a secondary certification as a backup).

I taught for awhile, among many many jobs, it was my favorite. If I had waited out the early years when the pay was bad now I would be making decent pay at it.

As a teacher, you will have opportunities to travel. Entire summers to traipse around the continent of your choice. You can go on teacher retreats with other teachers, or lead groups of students, or just save your cash and go solo.

There aren't many opportunities to get paid for your art and maintain a steady income and have months off at a time.

So, teach. Substitute for awhile to see if you might like it, try out different age groups and school districts and subjects, and go for it.

You will be great at it.