I wrote a longer note to you, LW, but accidentally deleted it.

So I will summarize:

1. Talk to an elder care lawyer about the possibility of your parents going to a nursing home. Get a grip on everyone's finances, and don't make any large withdrawals of your parents' funds. (yes, you of course deserve the money, but medicaid rules are strict and designed to encourage people to buy long term care insurance) Depending on the rules of your state, generally speaking, your parents will be required to spend nearly all of their savings and pension income on nursing home care before the taxpayers will step in and start funding via Medicaid. If your parents don't want charity, remind them that Medicaid isn't charity- they paid into this fund with their own hard earned tax dollars.

2. Don't buy into the myth that you are failing or abandoning your parents by placing them in a nursing home. A good nursing home can be a wonderful place that will actually improve your parents quality of life, especially if you are burning yourself out. You will continue to be a wonderful caring daughter, you will visit them frequently, be aware of any potential problems and develop cordial relations with the nursing staff and administrators, so that you can ensure that your parents receive the best available care.

3. You are burning yourself out. Your ethical and moral obligation only goes as far as your physical and mental capabilities will permit, and not a step further. It is unfortunate that your sister and niece won't step up. I assume you have asked them for help and they made excuses, knowing full well that you wouldn't force the issue. It is time to ask the question, if not me, then who would do the caregiving? If your sister would arrange for nursing home care, then it is time for you to arrange for nursing home care.

4. You are only in the middle of this experience, and probably feeling terribly guilty over the moments you just wish for completion of this experience. It doesn't make you a bad person to have these thoughts-- it is a symptom of your exhaustion. You mourn the "passing" of the people you loved--you miss their personality and companionship-- and try to love the people who remain in their places. it is a difficult love that is physically and emotionally exhausting. It is an active love that knows nothing of theory because it has no time to be theoretical.

You love your parents and your husband so much that you are "losing yourself"-- that is the very definition of pure unselfish love.

You have no religious faith to fall back on-- so although the Prayer of St. Francis might resonate with you, it won't provide any assurances that a more religious type might receive from it.

But how incredibly beautiful that you are not religious. How lovely that you are not biding your time hoping for a payoff in Heaven. I can imagine you crying in the night from exhaustion and grief and having no one to direct a prayer to-- a prayer for relief or strength or simple understanding.

You just love these people, and you have embraced a life of purpose and duty and diligence from this love.

The universe loves you, LW. The universe can't make your situation any easier right now-- but it loves you completely because you are absolutely living in the present moment, fully in touch with your purpose as a human.

Hang in there and follow Cary's eloquent and compassionate advice, as best you can, to take care of yourself and find moments of hope and joy during these dark days.