Letters to the Editor

• NOT and open book

  [Read the article: My husband read my journal]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  Wow, I'm really surprised by all the letters from married people who champion the "open book" relationship. Whatever happened to one's own secret garden? I'm with the LW on this one; if I didn't have an outlet to vent my negative feelings, I'd be one negative person in real life.

  I've been married twice and in both relationships there was the unspoken agreement that each of us has thoughts, feelings, desires that are none of the other spouse's business. Who says that in order for a marriage to work we have to share everything with the other person? Good lord, I think my two ex-husbands were more interesting people given their cultivation of said secret space.

  That said, I have to support Cary on this, lock up your secret space. It's too easy and compelling to open up a diary and start reading. I've done it many times myself (bad me!). However, I've never, ever copped to reading my lover's, daughter's, best friend's journals. If I snooped, I'm the one who's bad and I want to keep up the illusion of mystery between me and them. So shame on the LW's husband for admitting he read her journal. He should have kept mum and known that she doesn't feel that way anymore or if she does, well he needs to wait for her to bring the subject up.

  For me, having the room to have a secret space is, in itself, a demonstration of trust. Knowing my SO is at peace with me working out my most private issues alone, whether it's about him or not is the greatest source of comfort to me. Trusting me enough to let me have the space to explore or vent and knowing that I will always come back to him and the real world is what a solid relationship is based on.

  LW if you don't want your spouse to read your diaries, please lock them up. If, in fact, you secretly do want him to read them, by all means leave them laying around. He's the bad one for reading them and then confronting you about the information inside. If he feels he has the right to read them (this isn't clear in your letter, and a very important point in my book) then that's a whole 'nother ball of wax and good luck to you with that.

  Permalink Thursday, May 3, 2007 05:01 AM

• All those maybes...

  [Read the article: Should I stay in my marriage?]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  I can imagine this letter is going to strike a deep chord in a lot of people, it did in me. I was a child of divorced parents and the mother of two children who went through my divorce. I was a very young mother, 18 with my first child and 22 with the second. I stayed with their insane father for 8 years after my children were born. Eight miserable years full of hatred, violence and fear. A lot of the reason why I stayed was because I didn't want my children to go through what I went through when my parents divorced.

  Then I took a lover. This guy asked me if I wanted my children to grow up thinking love was what they witnessed everyday between me and my husband. I never thought of it that way before. I stopped simply existing in my marriage and started thinking about love and what it meant to me. And one day, I left. Not for this guy--that had already ended--but for me.

  I remember thinking a couple of years later that if I'd known what was going to happen to my children as a consequence of my leaving, I never would have left. They suffered horribly. My ex used them as pawns in an ever escalating war between him and me. I often wonder if I should have taken them away in the night and gone into hiding. But I wanted my kids to have two parents no matter that one was crazy.

  My kids are in their 20's now. They are more or less stable but still suffer horrible scars from those years before they could control their own lives. So, the question is whether to stay or go. But I think LW needs to imagine what her family's world will be like with two separated parents. I blinded myself to the future so I could get out of a situation that was extremely bad for me. Maybe if I would have stayed a little longer I could have mitigated the damage? All those maybes...

  When there are children involved, I think parents need to really consider how a divorce will impact them. How can they create a safe, stable environment for them? Can the parents work together to that end? It's not divorce that is bad, it's the aftermath. Many parents handle divorce sanely and respectfully.

  Cary is so right on this one. LW: get to a quiet place, feed your soul. Think carefully about all the people in the puzzle and how they will fit together after the picture on the box has changed. If the LW can see a reasonable picture of the future with her and her ex working together for the benefit of their children then I think her answer will reveal itself. If not, then maybe she needs to give it some more time.

  Randi

  Permalink Tuesday, May 8, 2007 02:46 AM