Letters to the Editor
adlibris
Published Letters: 21 Editor's Choice: 4
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A child is not what she's missing
[Read the article: The ones who weren't]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I don't know the personal history of Joyce Maynard, but I find it remarkable the way children are discussed in this essay -- more like acquisitions than people -- until they are lost.
I understand that much of that is because framing that type of longing in any kind of language is probably one of the most difficult tasks a person can do. You are attempting to quantify the unquantifiable.
That said, however, in several instances, the quality of this desire, I think, is shown for what it really is -- the desire for Maynard to have something to fulfil her, not the desire to be a good parent, or to share something wonderful with her partner (though to be fair those desires do seem to follow close behind).
Is the desire to have children always, culturally, a desire to fulfil ourselves? Perhaps in this world where we have so much choice over our reproduction it has become so. Or perhaps biologically that's part of the mothering instinct. Or perhaps not. I do know some people who feel that a child’s life is a tremendous undertaking and have gone through much soul-searching before embarking on even one child. Everyone is different.
Whatever the cause, Maynard's real issue does not seem to be that she is "one or two kids short" -- as if she'd forgotten to pick a pair of them up at the supermarket. The issue she is revealing to us is, it seems, that she is short something else in her life that she -- for whatever reason -- associates with children.
Perhaps she feels unable to have a raise a child on her own and that's what kept her in her unhappy marriage for much longer than she wanted to stay. Perhaps she psychologically needed the approval of her last boyfriend in order to feel that she was "allowed" to continue the pregnancy.
What she fails to explore is the fact that women have children by themselves every day, and she could have made that choice -- twice -- and did not. She seems to lay the blame at the feet of the men in her life -- "they" didn't want the babies. But she did, and if that truly was the desire of her heart, then she should have had them.
Is it gut-wrenchingly difficult to raise an infant and family as a single mom? Yes. Does it happen every single day and turn out good kids (and bad, too)? YES.
I think if Maynard takes some time to really think about what children mean to her and what they represent -- and confront the fact that, in the end, she was the one who was unwilling to change her life to keep the children she wanted, she may be able to grieve for them and come out the other side whole, intact, and more self-sufficient -- and as much as any human is able, less reliant on other people (children included) for her happiness.
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RE: A child is not what she's missing
[Read the article: The ones who weren't]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]To add to that reply, I think the longing I see in her essay is not for that of the love of a child, but for that of a supportive partner who wants to have oodles of children with her. THAT is where the pain lies for her, in the end.
Agreed -- too bad that she sees this more as having something to do with the children and less to do with her.
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Here, Kitty Kitty...
[Read the article: The Gen Xers are driving me crazy]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I applaud the Boomer who is eagerly trying to reach out to the Gen X-er like myself. It's a motion akin to seeing a beautiful stray cat in the street and spending hours trying to lure and entice it into your comfortable, spacious home, where it would get loved and fed and taken care of until the end of its days.
The problem with this scenario is that the lovely cat will never, ever come into your home. Accept it. Gen Xers had it rough. As a generation, when our parents weren't resenting us for sheerly reminding them that their youth was fading, they were ignoring us in pursuit of their personal goals. Granted, this is a broad generalization, but its one that works. And the most feral of Gen Xers will never believe that kindness, open-mindedness and cooperation will trump all. It's just not how they were raised. (And ironically, they were raised this way by the Boomers...!)
Instead of trying to bring the stray inside, my advice would be to leave it where it is. Leave it some food from time-to-time (praise for their work); watch where it hunts and where it rests (observe the work they do); and when forced to collaborate, remember that you are dealing with someone who will never, ever feel really a part of the team, so don't worry if they are loners. It's OK.
If you have to lead them in a project, you'll need to go overboard in making them feel welcome and making them feel they are a valued participant. It's a fine balance, because you don't want to give them license to walk on you (they may, though deep down we have a very sharp sense of justice.) Instead, form the team as if you are the parent and take on ALL of the responsibility -- good and bad -- and give the GenXer a very high-profile part of the project that gets a lot of positive praise. Back them up when necessary, but ask them first if they'd like you to do so, because they may (like stray cats) prefer to handle things on their own. But let them know (in private) that you are happy to do it. And when dealing with them, value fairness above all things.
It makes me sad to see how many of my peers -- and at times myself -- are still "walking wounded." I think a lot of us are better than the GenXers described in this letter, but unfortunately, I do recognize the stereotype.
Wow. This was meant to be a short letter! Sorry.