Sorry I'm late.

I've read a lot of the letters to you; not all. Best to ignore the shaming ones. Even the ones with advice, even though you asked for advice - there's an odd tone to many of them. I like the 12 Step suggestion of sharing experience, strength and hope rather than giving advice. Though I'm not perfect at it.

I should say that, as you know, you got a lot of great, useful letters. But this may be one of the odd-toned ones.

Ten or so year ago, did you dream that what you needed for your life to be fulfilled was a husband and child? in perhaps a way similar to how a singing career might now rescue you?

My experience is that it's best to start with now, here; as opposed to having my head filled with some future, or some past, or some other county or city. I sing now. I write now. I notice the peopleness of the people in my life now, which is sometimes a difficult thing for me to do.

Churches - that is, choirs - are everywhere, so anyone who can carry a tune (which, for those who feel they can't, is learnable) can perform great art.

I live in a small town near a small college town. Friday night the Krantzes had one of their parties, which feature local musicians (some of whom record and play out) signed up to do all kinds of music nearly dusk to dawn. I showed up at 10:30 after a meeting in the local city, and 15 minutes later my wife and daughter showed up from whatever it was they were doing in town. My wife and I were actually speaking again. Last night, last evening, we went out in the canoe on the river with the dogs - our daughter was waiting table and hanging out with friends - and it was lovely out there on the water.

Besides a mall and a few other big-city features, the county has 90% of anything anyone'd want. Often there's too much at once.

I don't know. Life goes on. I've found there's something to be said for living the life I've got. Not that you shouldn't necessarily get the fuck out of Dodge.

38 isn't over the hill. It's not even that hard to see it accurately as young.

Best,

Monty

(More, for free: google "Rabid Fanatic" +"Monty Johnston")

Cary and many other respondents hit the nail on the head. As you know, though, it's an inside job, and - if you're still saying, "I can't give her money/I'm close to giving her money" - your insides aren't there yet.

There's been mention of Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous for you. I would like to give this a bit more emphasis. Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics, right? Who are your friends? in AA, certainly? Alcoholics. Who is in your family? At least 2 other alcoholics. See, you're already an Al-Anon member and you don't know it. (I'm an alcoholic and family/friend of alcoholics, and am in recovery for these. They call us, you'll be glad to know, double winners.)

It's remarkable the number of people who suggest Al-Anon for others and don't see that it's for them too. What you are describing is exactly the kind of situation that calls for Al-Anon for you. But maybe you haven't hit your codependent bottom. What a fucking crazy disease.

In Al-Anon you may intuitively come to the same conclusions as others here, that money shouldn't be leant in this situation, and the kids need some kind of, as the codependent but workable Dr. Phil says, soft place to land. But it'll come through the irreplaceable filter of you, and the recognition of how things fit.

Best,

Monty

(More, for free: google "Rabid Fanatic" +"Monty Johnston")

(and thanks to Rachel Aviv for the interview) -

I suspect that Frank Lloyd Wright's genius might have had something to do with becoming egoless through escape into the present; by, in his case, immersing himself in his art. I say "escape" because you describe what I take to be a fanatical use of egolessness. Though letting go of ego is the door to the sublime, one becomes fanatical going through it without cleaning up. Had he repaired his self-hate and untangled his resulting messy life - if he'd sincerely done a good long round of psychotherapy, say - who knows what his egolessness, as reflected in his architecture, might have brought him, and us?

But egolessness, yes - look to it for unlocking creativity. In many cases, fanatical or otherwise, it can make a genius of even just another person.

Best,

Monty

(More, for free: google "Rabid Fanatic" +"Monty Johnston")