Letters to the Editor

• Shame and responsibility

  [Read the article: Katie Roiphe's morning after]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  Society is NOT outraged with her for having sex without submitting to male control.

  Society is outraged with her for getting into bed with two drunks and then expecting that if she says no they will immediately climb out of bed, and her claim that she has no responsibility for her poor decisions.

  Nope, check again. Nick Kiddle's primary objection isn't to the condom argument, it's to her father's subsequent behavior. At no point does she develop buyer's remorse about the sex itself, or even any shame. She was, however, furious about the fallout.

  She, a legal adult, had protected sex, even insisted on it. Should be no big deal, right? The problem is that she had that sex outside of socially acceptable boundaries, which resulted in her getting kicked out, or nearly kicked out, of her home. I'm not sure where she lives now or what her relationship with her father is at this point. It's possible that the whole thing blew over.

  I think what gets under people's skin is her lack of shame and remorse about openly seeking recreational sex with a couple of soldiers. They think she should feel shame and remorse, and that the near-miss should be a warning to her to be a good girl.

  That's not what's happening here, and I think it upsets people. They expect her to feel remorse of some kind, and read it into what she writes when it just isn't there.

  Here's what Nick actually says about her so-called buyer's remorse:

  But he can't see it like that. He has to see shame and scandal and judgement and disgust. He has to make me feel bad, and I do feel bad now. Not that I had sex with a few horny squaddies, but that I'm living in a world where having sex with a few horny squaddies is apparently a mortal sin. (emphasis mine)

  Nick stayed sober. She brought condoms and insisted on their use. That's what she was responsible for.

  She was not responsible for a man failing to put on or removing his condom, and then attempting to have sex without it.

  At that point, she was responsible for the most stubborn possible refusal, which she did. She got dressed and left.

  Let's put it this way. If you agree to have sex with a woman, and you find yourself with her fist up your backdoor, have you consented to this by consenting to sex with her? And would it be okay if she was drunk?

  There are a few men out there who would be great with that, but that's not who I'm addressing with that example!

  Permalink Tuesday, July 10, 2007 04:28 PM