Letters to the Editor
Anonymous_Too
Published Letters: 187 Editor's Choice: 2
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Who is really carrying the bag here
[Read the article: Single mothers are ruining society!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]His words to me were "It's not the 50's, I don't have to take care of you." He is not an absentee father, but we certainly aren't a nuclear family either. He's left me with the burden of being the horrible slut that got knocked up while he's the wonderful prince that helps out occassionaly.
This happens in marriage, too. My ex-husband is a prince because he leaves his son in the care of a stepmother who bullies and mistreats him (read: "gives him a real, proper, married mommy"), but I'm a cheap slut, even though I was freakin' MARRIED to the guy when my kid was conceived and born, and he wasn't a criminal, wife-beating jerk either. He was a decent, responsible man by most measures at the time. When I married him, there was no reason to believe that he'd do this stuff.
I'm not the one who kicked the kid out of my bed so I could have sex, I'm not the one shoving angry, jealous stepsiblings down his throat, and I'm not the one spending money on my new honey at the expense of my child. I'm not the one who moves every year. I'm not the one who operates as an amateur half-way house for ex cons and addicts. Doesn't matter. I'm single. I'm a mother. I'm responsible for the downfall of society. My ex-husband, on the other hand, is a prince among men because he fights for joint custody he's proven he can't handle (flunked the psych eval, among other things) and pays the occasional medical bill.
This is what makes a man a prince? It's a big deal for a man who makes nearly six figures to "handle" a $20 co-pay?
The person who isn't fooled is the child, but they call that "parental alienation syndrome" and blame it on the mother. I'm alienating my child from his father by providing a more stable, loving home, a better education and more opportunities? WTF?
Forcing women to marry or stay married to these guys isn't the answer, and collecting child support from them costs more than it's worth. And yet putting support structures in place so the small families they leave behind can thrive is somehow a bad thing to do? Would it be better to have the neglect and infidelity under my own roof?
I just don't see it. I'm also sick to death of carrying the bag for my ex-husband's choices, while he gets patted on the back as an exemplary father.
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@Tara21
[Read the article: My boyfriend won't give me his apartment key]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Ah! Gotcha!
I think something women really, really need to get out of our collective heads is that if we take care of other people, without any promises or demands on our part, that they'll step in and take care of us. It's not that I think no one will ever take care of us, it's that I think we need to learn to take care of ourselves first, even when it means weathering accusations of selfishness.
I think we also need to learn to let go of people who not only don't take care of us, but actively interfere with our ability to take care of ourselves, which is what Dating Limbo is all about.
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compromise
[Read the article: Single mothers are ruining society!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]starting with the fact that both men and women are going to have to compromise to get any of what they want
I think women are compromising, but not where men wanted or expected them to.
Not everybody gets everything. That's the bottom line. I am, for example, well aware that if I'm going to be what I consider to be a good mother, I'm not going to be prime dating material. I'm fine with this. Motherhood is much higher on my list of priorities than relationships. I will also have to take care of myself once my kid is grown, and this, too, is much higher on my list of priorities than relationships. I actually sat down and made the list, which is how I know.
So where does that leave men? In the same boat. They have to compromise, too, because not everybody gets everything.
It used to be that relationships took care of some very practical needs for women, needs like food and shelter, but this isn't the 50s anymore. Men are under no obligation to take care of us. Alimony is a thing of the past, at least in my state, and child support isn't usually worth fighting for, at least not for a woman married to an average guy. There's a reason why non-payment penalties are getting increasingly draconian. It's nearly impossible to collect from a man who really doesn't want to pay.
What this means is that in order to obtain food and shelter for themselves and their children, women must give something up. In a lot of cases, that appears to be sex.
Speaking for myself, I'm okay with this. I'm sad sometimes because for the most part, I like men and miss male company, but where the greater picture is concerned, I'm okay with it. I can't imagine lying on my deathbed wishing I'd dated more, or that I'd done a better job putting the whims of my husband above the needs of my child. In terms of deathbed confessions, my life's in order. I don't have everything I want, but I do have what's important.
I compromise in order to do that. I expect to. I'm annoyed when the single mother stigma causes trouble, but I don't think putting out for a new man is the answer. I don't like random sex. I don't like screwing for my supper, either. I do like sex, I just have, as you say, a narrower range of criteria under which I'll engage in it and I think that's healthy for me.
So I compromise, just not in a way that gives men access to my body.