Letters to the Editor
BankerGirl
Published Letters: 25 Editor's Choice: 3
-
Great advice Cary
[Read the article: My wife thinks I'm cheating on her -- but I'm not!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I for one think Cary hit the nail on the head. Most people have an issue of some kind or the other, and if you find yourself in a relationship with one of those people, and you love them, you basically have one of two roads to choose. You can abandon the person, despite the fact that you supposedly love them, because they have problems that interfere with your life. Or, you can take your vows at their meaning and be there for better or for worse.
This woman is not on drugs, does not have a compulsive gambling problem, is not an alcoholic. My point is that people stay together through situations that are more destructive than the LW has described.
I can see how the LW's wife, if she already has PTSD- throw in some insecurity and the fact that she is separated from her husband a good portion of the time, could develop a strong fear that she is being cheated on. It isn't completely unreasonable.
I will also throw in the following in regards to the radio show the LWs wife was listening to - Women hear all the time that Men are untrustworthy. We hear that while you may get lucky and he may not cheat on you, he will absolutely flirt with attractive women and imagine every woman he sees on the street naked. We hear that marriage is a frightening experience for him, because now he only gets to sleep with one woman for the rest of his life (we hope). We hear that its perfectly acceptable for him to need Playboy and the Swimsuit Issue in his life because 'men are visual creatures'. We see this is the movies, we see it on TV, we read it books and on the internet and in conversation with others. And furthermore, that women need to accept all of the above. I don't necessarily believe it is all true. I HOPE it is not. But it is a powerful perception to overcome.
-
Re:
[Read the article: My wife thinks I'm cheating on her -- but I'm not!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I have to agree with damnthatxanadu regarding infrequent violence in relationships. I think there is a difference between enduring and systematic pattern of abuse and an occasional physical outburst. That isn't to say that those occasional outbursts aren't a big deal, or shouldn't be addressed. But it does not automatically make the person committing the act an 'abuser' or a violent psychopath who's next move it to escalate to guns/knives.
In addition - so many responses have said that as it's the LW's wife who has the problem, and not the LW himself, he need not expend his own energy trying to solve it, and should just abandon ship while he still can. In response to that, I have to agree with someone else that posted and said no wonder the divorce rate is so high!
The LW is looking for advice. He seems to register the fact that as he has not committed adultery, the problem is with his wife and not himself. But he still loves her and wants to be with her. I think that thought pattern is implicit in his letter. He doesn't need to be told it isn't his problem - she is his wife, and he wants to what he can to manage her problems as well as his own. It didn't seem to me like he was asking if he should stay or go, but rather than he'd decided to stay, and in that case how he could best handle the situation.
-
RE
[Read the article: Bronzer gods]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I have to say - If all men in the world were as 'accepting' of natural women as some of those that have posted on this board seem to be, the female makeup industry would be heading for a downturn as well.
I question how that plays out in real life. Men have been claiming that age-old story for as long as I can remember "I don't like a girl with a lot of gunk on her face", etc, etc... But then who do all the guys go for? The girls with all the gunk on their faces!
Personally I am totally fine with that. I love makeup, I think it's fun, and I like experimenting with how I look. It gets boring seeing the same old thing in the mirror everyday - which is kind of like wearing the same thing every day. I also go without makeup fairly often as well, so I am not biased one way or the other.
I don't have an issue with guys wearing makeup - maybe full on coverage would be a little odd...I dated a guy in college who was really quite good looking, but had skin problems, so he'd wear light concealer to hide that. Now, he never outright told me, I just kind of found out about it (face wipes covered in concealer -not mine- in the trash can!), and I did think it was pretty incredible at the time. But not unreasonable...
My current boyfriend wouldn't wear makeup if his life depended on it, but he's very stylish and I think kind of wishes he could. In the sense that if you have an enormous zit on your forehead, you must kind of wish it wasn't taboo to wear concealer to cover it up.