Comparing disagreements about racism to disagreements about religion or political systems is a huge problem, Cary, and you wouldn't be doing it if you weren't white.

How exactly to worship God, or whether or not there even IS a "God," is a matter of differing faiths. What socio-political system is the best for humanity is a matter of differing opinions. Good people try to find a way to respect other people's beliefs while not compromising their own values, and this is difficult but worthwhile. Respecting different ideas and opinions is a basic rule of a democratic society.

Racism--on the complete other hand--says that whole groups of human beings are less valuable than other groups. That is not a "political opinion" that deserves respect, and it's not "pernicious and stupid," it's just plain wrong. Good people MUST make a stand on this particular issue and not budge. It is encoded in our law, as well as in the values of our mainstream society, and the values of most of our subcultures, that all people are to be treated equally, regardless of their identities. The equality of all human beings--in abstraction as well as in fact--is not an opinion. It is another basic rule of a democratic society.

To denigrate--even in the abstract--fellow human beings canNOT be tolerated. Open public or private discussions that take for granted that some groups are less than others creates a welcoming climate for racist institutions and actions.

Cary, you're right that people have gotten too much up on their high horses about politics lately, but racism is not about politics, not at its base. It's about destroying people's lives. If you were writing your column in a room in any black ghetto in the country, surrounded by people who have been waiting for generations for "opinions" about them to change, so that they can get decent health care, an education, or a fair shot at a job, you wouldn't be so forgiving of those at-least-they're-honest racists. It's actually people like you who make racism such an entrenched problem.

Clearly, the choice is not between accepting this man's racism and cutting him off. The couple should really be talking to him, seriously and persistently, about why his racism is unacceptable, to them and to society in general. They should make it clear that they value his friendship and think that he's a good man, but that his beliefs about race must undergo a substantial change, because these beliefs are not political opinions but rather moral shortcomings.

In the same way that you would encourage your friend who thinks it's acceptable to beat his wife to seek help, a true friend would do her utmost to help this man understand the history of race in our country, and how much his attitudes are determined by a society that refuses to accept responsibility for terrible wrongs.

And just like a true friend to the wife-beater would help his battered wife get out of her bad situation, a true friend to a racist would take the opportunity created by this incident to involve herself in some organization or activity that would increase her own knowledge and understanding of racism ... and perhaps take steps--donate money, volunteer time towards some action--that helps fight racism. Here's a good place to start: www.freethejena6.org

Finally, if, over time, this man won't make any effort to change his views, his friends must make it clear to him that their continuing friendship is contingent upon a good-faith effort to do the right thing: in this case, make an effort to inform himself about racism and really think it through. If he's unwilling, then, yes, it's time to end the friendship. That will send a very clear signal.

many commenters have said this but let me reiterate: set some rules with your family!

mark out a one-hour period every day where no one bothers you and stick to it. call a family meeting if you have to. start by simply declaring the one-hour period. then, if after an adjustment period of a week or two, no one is respecting this time, then call another meeting and delineate consequences for disrespecting your time: discipline for your kids, and whatever you think is best for your wife.

if after a few months this still isn't working, then take your laptop with you to work and stop by starbucks for an hour on your way home. this may work for your family, or it may end up being a consequence that they'd prefer not to deal with. either way, you get your hour.

as far as the writers group goes: whatever. works for some, really, really doesn't work for others (such as i). try it out if you think you'd like to, but i really don't see how someone who has trouble finding an hour a day for himself is going to manage a writers group on top of that.

amazing that cary missed the point again when it was literally enumerated for him. cary, it's not about cleaning.

the author of this letter wrote that she: 1) lives separately from her husband in the same house; she lives with the kids upstairs, he lives downstairs; 2) takes care of the kids all by herself; 3) resents that she has to take entire responsibility for kids; 4) is being threatened by her husband with abandonment if she doesn't take on even more than her already unfair share of household duties, and 5) is depressed.

yes, lady, go to therapy! drag your sorry-ass husband there too! make him go by threatening HIM with divorce---and hefty childcare payments, and some serious alimony, and all other kinds of financial nightmares---if he doesn't make a commitment to doing his lazy-ass part.

and while you're at it, hire a cleaning professional and have them send him the bill.