If you read, for example, the account of the pan-scorching, you'll see a level of detail and breathlessness that is clearly meant to be erotic. Exactly what purpose would it serve, for instance, for this woman to describe in detail the belt her husband used to beat her with? The exact position of her body (complete with legs apart)? And then she goes on to write about how the next day she -- ooops -- made the same exact mistake so had to get twice as much discipline! O noes! I think these two are having fun and cloaking their practices in Christian language in order to make a space for it in their worldview and among their peers. If you think about it that way, it's actually rather brilliant and subversive.

We seriously underestimate the creativity and intelligence of many conservative Christians, including Christian women. We also forget that their faith is founded on an extremely individualistic approach to Christianity, in which no authority, not even that of a pastor or a husband, is greater than that of scripture. A woman who has read the Bible every day of her life and can't or won't deploy Hosea's vision of redemption or the scriptural assurance that in Christ there is "neither male nor female" is either choosing to do so for her own purposes or is in the exact same position as someone whose partner is justifying his or her abuse in the secular language of love, or the pseudo-scientific language of hormones, or any number of other worldviews and ideologies. This is not the Taliban. We live in a spiritual marketplace. These women are not any more nor any less trapped than their secular counterparts.

While this is not my brand of Christianity by any means, and while I cringe a little inside every time these folks get the spotlight because it makes things so much more complicated for me when people find out that I too am a Christian ("but not the kind you think!" I'm always tempted to say), I'm also not suffering from the delusion that most of my more conservative brothers and sisters are stupid, evil, or hate half the human population. I think they are wrong about a lot of things. I think that some of them are less ethical, compassionate, and righteous than others. I think they sometimes use theology to justify things that are not right. But I think everyone who has deep belief in and commitment to any ideology will find him or herself using it that way. That's how worldviews work: They are so encompassing that they wrap themselves around our best and our worst attitudes, our noblest and basest actions, just like language. Usually, the problem is not the worldview itself; it's the person who is deploying it.

I'm praying for the president too ...

... to get a clue

... to get a conscience

... to get impeached

I agree completely with CT's point about discussing your feelings with a sense of humility and an awareness that your point of view is not the only valid one. This worked very well with myself and my partner. I also used to be relatively zero-tolerance about drugs (and still don't do them myself). However, I fell in love with a former (and proud of it) "stoner," who comes from pretty much an entire extended family of ex-hippies, pot-heads, and experimenters. What I did was simply tell him that I am unexplainably uptight about drugs and work with him on where both of our comfort levels are. For instance, when I visit his family home I do not walk out when his father lights up. I do not scoff or disapprove or scowl when people talk about their escapades at family gatherings or pass the pipe around. But it's also clear to everyone that I'm not into that and no one will bother me to try it unless I for some reason express interest. We're all off the hook from one another's standards. This has allowed me to relax and enjoy him and his family for the ways in which they are so very different from me, and to realize that a desire to explore those differences is probably one of the reasons I fell in love with this particular person in the first place. When we have kids, it'll be perhaps a thornier subject, but even then compromise (=the stuff relationships are made of) will probably be the name of the game.

Also, I'm a bit confused over the point repeatedly made in the letter that the gf should have "remorse" for trying cocaine. If she didn't hurt anyone, what possible reason would she have for feeling remorse, exactly? Should she feel remorse for having a different worldview and different standards of behavior? Of course not. I get the sense that (probably without realizing it) the LW has a larger issue with control than just fear of losing control of his body, and that this feeling that the gf should be remorseful comes from a sense that he is threatened when she surprises him with stories about her past or behaves in unexpected ways that fall outside of the boundaries he would set for himself. Many of us, especially those of us prone to anxiety, have this tendency. The more often I can replace my desire to control with an attitude of openness to other people the more fun I have and the happier I am.

The most efficient way to sensitize men to the prevalence of sexual harassment and subtle mysogyny in our country: encourage them play a female character in an online game. I've seen men go livid over the way their 'toons get treated. Then if you really want to see some serious homophobia, watch what happens when the men "confess" to their guild that they are a guy playing a female avatar.