I appreciate your work towards finding balance on this challenging issue.

I strongly believe that free speech is an essential element of an empowered society. However I'm struck by the way in which, increasingly, the anonymity of the internet seems to feed some individuals' abusive and attacking impulses, without the accountability which normally accompanies communications in "real" life.

The right to freedom of speech is in no way undermined by the expectation that individuals will take responsibility for what they say. It is, in fact, made more powerful.

Having said that, I do also appreciate the opportunity to post without needing to personally identify myself in a way that is traceable and potentially "stalk-able." The recent changes have added an element of accountability, at least within this community. Removing the option to post anonymously would be fine with me.

Great response from Cary - a perspective-shifting of the kind that will keep me thinking for days. However...

He addressed only a part of the LW's issue. Not much has been said about this part:

"Partially, I think, it could be leftover feelings from my last relationship."

The letter writer believes that porn was used as a tool of spite in her previous relationship. Other letters have dismissed this, saying they did not believe the man's use of porn had anything to do with the LW. I don't buy that.

In essence, the message she recieved was "If you can't give me what I need, I'll get it somewhere else - and you get to watch me!" In essence, the use of porn in this case may have been very much like cheating, and served to de-value the LW the same way. That doesn't mean all porn use is like cheating, but it seems that's what the LW's experience was, and she felt betrayed and abused by it. She's learned to associated porn with feeling rejected and discarded when she couldn't or would't meet her partner's needs.

So it follows... she likely felt betrayed and abused by other aspects of that relationship as well, and this is what is getting played out now in her current relationship. It's not so much about the porn, it's about her needing to feel safe with her new partner, and to feel reassured that she has value to him, even if she sometimes doesn't feel like putting out.

I'm with rupert_c on this one.

One of the key principles in behavioural interventions is this: The more closely connected the consequence is to the target behaviour, the more likely it is to have an effect. Chances are this bully doesn't really "get" the effect he is having on his playing partners. Having a nice chat separate from the environment of the game might not be enough for him to really make the connection.

Your group should agree that, whenever they next play with him, at the point when his behaviour stops the game from being fun, you stop playing, name the behaviour to him as accurately as you can, and walk away. In the most mature, calm, neutral voice you can muster, say something like "You know what, Fred, it's just not fun for me when you react that way. I'm done. Thanks for the game." And off you go.

This happens a few times, with a few different people, and he might start to get it. Either his behaviour changes (probably unlikely), or it doesn't change, and then you have the nice chat away from the court.

You explain that these incidents of people not having fun while playing with him keep happening, and it's just not acceptable to the group. People are no longer prepared to play with him.

He might argue that you're all a bunch of wussies and can't take the competition. You say - "Fine, you're right, we are a bunch of wussies, and we're quite happy that way. Sorry man, it's just not worth it to me to get this worked up about racquetball. Here's the number for the competitive league that plays Wednesday nights. Have fun." Then you go for a beer.

All easier said than done, of course, but what you're really doing is setting a boundary for yourself and how you're prepared to be treated, and taking responsibility for what you need to feel safe and have fun.

Maybe it's time to open a discussion with your management and board about having a policy for providing references for former employees?

This would allow you to air your discomfort with the situation, but focuses on the lack of appropriate organizational procedure and support around it, not on the individual. And you can be the one to propose the solution!

A couple of things in particular come to mind:

- The organization needs to define who is authorized to provide a reference - in larger organizations it's often the HR department, but for you it could be the executive director or supervisors. As a co-worker, you shouldn't be allowed to give a reference.

- You need a procedure where exiting employees sign a release giving you permission to provide a reference - if they haven't signed, you can't give out any information about them.

Small non-profits are notorious for not having thorough policies for dealing with such things. It results in employees like you not having the support to make difficult decisions day to day. You end up making decisions on the fly, and are bound to end up in uncomfortable situations or worse. There are real risks for the organization here, and you'll be doing them a favour by helping them develop a way to manage them.

Cate